


That is the Way

by Actual_Revna



Series: The Last Kingdom Mid-canon Snippets [2]
Category: The Last Kingdom (TV)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Angry finan, Angst, Angst and Feels, Coccham crew, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mid-Canon, Slavery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:27:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 23,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25156231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Actual_Revna/pseuds/Actual_Revna
Summary: Finan only Spoke to Uhtred once and it only served to anger him more.“He is a free man.”“Not to the Danes.” Uhtred was as honest as he could be “Not to the Gods.”-----Sihtric was sent to a small settlement not far from Coccham to fetch some supplies for the coming winter. Trouble ensues and he strikes the Lord's son in an alehouse brawl. Uhtred has hoped that the day would never come, but he was recognized by the Danes there as Kjartan's Bastard. Dunholm's Slave. He was sworn to Uhtred and he had to be claimed by him, or he will be lost to them forever.-----A brief study into duty, honour, right, loyalty and relationships. But mostly angry Finan.
Relationships: Finan & Sihtric (The Last Kingdom), Finan & Uhtred of Bebbanburg, Gisela/Uhtred of Bebbanburg, Sihtric & Uhtred of Bebbanburg
Series: The Last Kingdom Mid-canon Snippets [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1832089
Comments: 123
Kudos: 91





	1. Chapter One

“Lord!” Uhtred was gathered with some of the men of Coccham in the yard and they were planning for the coming hunting trip when Osferth’s voice reached him. He looked towards the gate where the voice was coming from and Osferth was rushing towards the small gathering with Finan in tow.

“Uhtred.” Finan called his attention. “Riders.”

“Sihtric?” they were waiting for Sihtric to join them before they were to head out hunting. Winter was close and Uhtred wanted to make sure the stocks would hold through the storms. Sihtric was sent to the market in a nearby Dane hamlet just up the river to gather the supplies they could not find in Coccham. Uhtred sent Sihtric because a Dane will not cause trouble with a Thegn if arrived uninvited like he was. But they did not have time to send word before they realised that they needed the supplies fast. Uhtred did not want the people of Coccham to suffer for his lack of planning. So it would be a nice surprise if Sihtric was actually done and back already.

“No, Lord.” Finan answered casually. They had no need to worry about Sihtric. He was only gone for a few days. “Just riders. Two of them.”

“Danes.” Supplied Osferth. He put on a brave face, but Uhtred knew of his still lingering trapedition. 

He excused himself and rushed towards the top of the gates. There were two riders indeed. One of them was holding a large branch high above his head. They were here to talk. But Uhtred had no business with them. He ordered for the gates to be opened and for their guests to enter without weapons. They did not object and entered the gate with confidence.

“Welcome to Coccham.” Uhtred greeted pleasantly.

“Lord Uhtred.” Greeted the man who was not holding the branch earlier. Clearly the man in charge. “We have a matter to discuss with you, Lord.” he said grimly.

“Urgent?” Uhtred asked. He had an uneasy feeling. And so had Gisela, for a day now. Just this morning she was lost in thought and he tried to calm her before he left. But she was still uneasy and urged him to be cautious just until the feeling passed at least. Uhtred knew enough to heed the Lady of Coccham’s warning.

“Not to us. Food, ale and rest will be appreciated.” the other man replied uneasily. “We did not have a long ride. Lord Bjarne wishes to be done with this quickly.”

Uhtred heard Finan asking in a low voice “Lord Bjarne?” and Osferth replied just as quietly “The Thegn where Sihtric was sent. A warlord.”

Uhtred gave them no attention and waited for the visitors to clarify.

“Then say your peace. You’re welcome to stay and rest as long as you need afterwards.” still cautious. The feeling in the pit of his stomach only grew colder.

“Thank you lord.” he glanced around and saw that only the Lord and the two men who greeted them at the gates were close enough to hear. Others were watching but from far enough away that he can say what he came to say with no worries.

“As the Thegn of Coccham--” he started.

“Ealdorman.” Finan’s sharp voice interjected. And Uhtred let it. This was no Dane village. Yes they had a Pagan’s hall, but most of the villagers were Saxon.

The man only looked at Finan with a hint of hatred, but quickly schooled his face and looked at Uhtred again. “As the Thegn of Coccham, Lord Bjarna wished to let you know of an unfortunate occurrence. You sent someone to gather hunting supplies.” he said uneasily

“And?” Uhtred urged.

“There was an incident, Lord. In the alehouse. He struck Lord Bjarna’s son.”

“An alehouse brawl?” Finan said incredulously “You rode all the way here for an alehouse brawl?” he snickered. “You’ve just had a wasted journey my friend.” he shook his head with the smile still on his face.

But Uhtred still had a bad feeling about all of this. Had it been anyone, it would have been over before it even began. Finan was right. There has to be something else. He glanced back at the longhouse and he saw Gisela standing in the upper floor’s window. Worry was etched on her face and reflected in his.

“What of it? An alehouse brawl is an alehouse brawl. I’m sure the Lord’s son made it even and it was over quickly.” he tried to ease the tension.

“Lord. He struck Lord Bjarna’s son.” The man spoke with all seriousness. What was he missing?

“You said that already. Did he not make it square?”

“This is why I’m here, Lord. as a courtesy from Lord Bjarna and in respect of who you are. Lord Bjarna hereby informs you that he will be held for three days to receive his punishment from Lord Bjarna, after which he will be returned, escorted by men to observe your punishment for him. To make sure it is carried out justly.” he said in a way that made it feel like he was bored already.

Uhtred feared this moment for such a long time. But they were very far away from Dunholm. How did this happen? His thoughts were interrupted by Finan’s loud voice.

“-onesence! You can’t just march in here and claim that you’re holding him hostage! “ Osferth was trying to hold Finan back but he was struggling.

The man in front of them was confident in the fact that there was nothing any man standing there could do. He did not even flinch.

“I am only here because Lord Bjarna wished for peace just as Lord Uhtred. It is a courtesy. In three days, he will be returned and punished by his Lord. In the presence of a witness sent by Lord Bjarna.”

Uhtred finally found his voice. Playing the fool may act in his favor this once. “Why did he not just strike him back and be done with it?”

The man was getting impatient. “Sihtric Kjartanson” - Uhtred knew that he has lost the argument already. If they recognized who he was, then there was nothing he could do for him now. He could only hope that it was over with as minimal damage as possible - “Has struck Lord Bjarna’s son, a free man.” he took a breath before asking “Or is he not yours to claim?”

Finan struggled harder in Osferth’s grasp and Uhtred has had enough “Clapa! Get Finan out of here!” He barked harshly and Finan’s struggle was overrun by confusion when he was dragged by the large man. “He is mine. You’re welcome to rest. And tell your Lord that I will be waiting. Three days.” he said and turned to leave as quick as his legs could carry him. 

When he returned to the longhouse Finan was there with Gisela. He must have told her of what happened already and he was staring angrily at her.

“Why am I the only one who thinks this is wong!” He yelled at Uhtred. “It’s a small hamlet! We can raid ! we do not even need all of the men. I’ll pick them myself and we’ll have Sihtric here by tomorrow.” he said resolutely and was heading for the door again when Uhtred’s voice stopped him.

“No.”

“No?” he asked in a dangerously low voice. Uhtred really did not want to deal with Finan’s anger now.

“We can’t. And I forbid it.”

“So now you want to play Lord? Your man is a hostage and you do nothing?”

“There IS nothing i can do. You do not understand.” he tried to calm his friend, but he knew it would be hard for him to understand. “The man knew him from Dunholm. He knows what he is.”

“So what if he’s a bastard.” Osferth only flinched slightly, and Uhtred wanted to be happy about that. But he needed Finan to calm first.

“Kjartan’s bastard. Whelped on a slave girl.” 

“So? He’s still the Lord’s son.”

“Whelped on a slave girl.” Uhtred repeated. He did not wish to explain further. He could still remember the day Sihtric held a sword to Halig’s throat just to be given a chance to serve Uhtred. Just to be claimed by Uhtred.

“What are you saying?” Finan asked and his anger was rising.

“I am saying that he will be held and punished by Lord Bjarna for three days and he will be sent here with a witness to be punished for three days.”

Finan’s head shook slowly and his voice was shaking with anger. And it was so low Uhtred had to strain to hear. “You bastard. Tell it to my face.” Uhtred did not reply and Finan was back to yelling “Say it to my face you bastard!” 

Gisela rushed to finan’s side and held his arm gingerly. Uhtred could not bring himself to say it but he owed it to Finan. He tried to assuage his guilt. 

“If I do not claim him, Bjarna will. It is the only way.”

“Say it!”

“I claim Sihtric, Finan. As a slave.”

Finan knew it, but hearing it was harder than he anticipated. Anger burned everything else. He reached Uhtred and punched his stomach with all the strength he could muster. Clapa and Osferth reached for their swords but Uhtred only halted their movement with a small one of his own.

“I struck you. Am i to be punished now? Will you claim me now?” he goaded, but Uhtred said nothing.

“You. Are. Worse. Than. Them.” and with that Finan left. And if he struck a table and splinters flew everywhere on his way out, no one mentioned it.

Uhtred did not need to be told who Finan meant. It was why he did not mention it to him earlier. They were both held as a Dane’s slaves for years and he never wished to revisit those years. Finan had a right to be angry. But he would not understand. He was not a Dane. He did not understand that this was the only way Uhtred could help Sihtric.

Finan refused to step foot in any of the houses in Coccham. He never entered the longhouse, or the Lord’s hall. He carried out his duties respectfully and called Uhtred nothing other than Lord.

He slept in furs by a fire in the yard. It was cold, but Finan did not take shelter anywhere. He avoided Lord Bjarna’s messengers during their whole stay.

Finan only Spoke to Uhtred once and it only served to anger him more.

“He is a free man.”

“Not to the Danes.” Uhtred was as honest as he could be “Not to the Gods.”

Finan still slept in the open yard. And if his nightmares woke him up, the others acted like their nights were not distrurbed by them either.

Osferth was praying for Sihtric’s safe return and Finan was leaning outside the window when he heard Uhtred’s voice from inside their smallhouse - not a church.

“He will be back and he will be whole.”

“How are you certain, Lord.”

“Because I claimed him. To do anything else to him is to insult me. And if they had wished to do so, they would not have given me the courtesy of a messenger.”

“And if you hadn’t claimed him?”

“Then he would not be returned. And he would not be whole. His hand will have been taken, the one that struck the lord’s son. And he would have been claimed by them.”

“Why?”

“That is the way.” Uhtred replied like it was the truest truth. “It is the way.” he repeated. 

Finan still slept by the fire when the third day arrived.

“Riders approaching!” was the morning greeting that woke coccham up after the three days’ mark.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It may take slightly more than three chapters, but I'm posting as I write them.
> 
> And to think that this started as a little oneshot :D

“Riders approaching!”

The whole of Coccham was on edge. Three days was too long of a time where their Lord was not himself. He did not make his usual rounds in Cocccham, did not stop for the occasional chat with the innkeeper. And his men were not at their usual table there at the end of each day either. Where they made jokes about each other and invited the locals for a game or two. They were an odd assortment, but they were loved by all. And the kid’s absence was obviously the reason, but whenever it was mentioned, the attending men’s disposition turned sour. So the town waited with bated breaths for the three days to be over. No one knew what to expect, because they did not fully understand what happened, but their Lord did not object to the messenger’s demands nor did he demand anything in turn. So they let them be until they left a day or so later- Lord Uhtred told all that would listen that they were not to be harassed or disturbed. They were his guests and they had his protection. And if Finan was there by the gates when they were leaving and some of the locals heard him threatening them that should he ever meet them anywhere outside of Coccham, they will know the steel of his sword, they turned a blind eye. They will not tell Lord Uhtred and they did not mention it to Finan, but the Irishman had their support.

The moment they heard the scout’s announcement, Coccham was bursting with movement. Osferth ran to the longhouse to fetch Uhtred, who hurried as soon as he saw the monk approaching. 

Finan was the first one on the ramparts, and when Uhtred went up the ladder, he found himself standing shoulder to shoulder with him. His anger hurt him, but he did not understand. He was angry himself, but he knew that there was nothing to be done. Uhtred did what he did to ensure the safe return of the kid. And he knew that Lord Bjarna did nothing wrong. It was his right, just as it was Uhtred’s duty, just as it was Earl Ragnar’s right when Uhtred was dumb enough to do something stupid such a long time ago. He did not look forward to the following three days, nor the wedge it was sure to drive between him and Sihtric. The wedge that was gaping wide between him and Finan. It hurt, but there was nothing he could do to avoid it. It was duty and honor. His as much as Sihtric’s. It would be a disservice for him to do anything else.

He searched with his eyes for the riders when he saw them coming from far away. There were others standing with them now but he paid them no mind. He strained to see more clearly but they were still far away. As agreed, it was only one person with Sihtric. He was riding a horse that was pulling a cart. It looked to be laden and heavy, but it did not carry Sihtric with it. He was walking behind the cart. Uhtred knew it was him, but he could not make out anything else. They were approaching at a slow pace. Too slow for Uhtred’s liking.

The men just stood there, watching the morbid procession nearing in silence. Just as soon as they were near enough to see with any semblance of clarity, Uhtred wished that there was no one with him there to see it. To see his failure.

He still remembers the promise he made to the Dane when they first met. ‘Then you have my protection’. It was made all the more binding by the younger Dane being on his knees and holding Thor’s hammer by his bound hands. By the presence of King Guthred. By the presence of the Abbot and his priest. By the presence of Gisela, who has not slept in three days because of what is happening now. And now, he has failed him.

The man on the horse was riding with confidence. Followed by the cart that was pulled by the horse. And from the rear of the cart, a rope extended. Its other end was wrapped around Sihtric’s neck. It was a short rope. Too short for the tall Dane. He was walking behind the cart, haunched over it. His hands were tied behind his back and he was struggling to follow. But, as slow as they were, he did not fall.

Finan’s voice reached Uhtred and it was dripping with anger and loathing, as it has been for three days now.

“This is your doing.”

“I know.” Because it was true. This was his doing.

“Tell me, Lord.” Finan’s voice was dripping with sarcasm and challenge “Will you have waited for three days? If it was me?”

Uhtred was tired. He knew that everyone blamed him, but this is the best he could do. And for Finan to imply that was just too much for him. He wanted to yell. He wanted to kill the man on the horse. He wanted to take his men and his wife and leave Coccham. The same helplessness that he felt when Alfred wrapped him around his finger without him knowing until it was too late surfaced again. With its all too familiar frustration. And now it was coupled with rage.

“It’s not you. and I wouldn’t have waited and you know that!!” He was incredulous and Finan was calmly looking him square in the face. “How could you ever think that?” his voice betrayed him. 

“Then why?”

“Because it’s Sihtric and it’s complicated. You wouldn’t understand.” 

“Then you’re a hypocrite.” Finan replied too easily. Calm and confident in his statement. “It’s not just him you lost, Lord.” 

He knew that he’d lost a big part of his bond with Sihtric. Memories of his promise came to him unbidden, as if to mock him -‘you have my protection’. He wouldn’t blame him. They were bound but they never talked in depth about it. The early days were consumed by Dunholm and discussing its weaknesses. There was only one night where they talked of something else. And Uhtred saw that it was hard on Sihtric, but he had to know. They talked about his life at Dunholm, and Kjartan’s treatment of him. And of Thyra. And they never talked about their newly developed situation. ‘You have my protection’

“I know.”

With that, he left.

-

Finan did not know where Uhtred went, nor did he care. He will stand there and he will wait for Sihtric even if it took the whole winter. Their slow pace did not pick up, but they gained enough distance for Finan’s stomach to turn with each detail that grew clearer. Sihtric was struggling. He was barefoot, and his back was hunched over. The rope did not pull him, thankfully. He would not have kept up in his weakened state and on those unsteady feet. And Finan found himself to be thankful for their slow pace. Or else, Sihtric would have been dragged on the floor from his neck.

He heard footsteps next to him but did not look away.

“I am to take you to the longhouse.” Osferth supplied after a moment’s quiet.

“And why would I go to the longhouse?” he challenged back.

“Lord Uhtred’s orders.” Osferth sounded apologetic.

“And he thinks you can take me anywhere?” Finan scoffed back. “He’s an idiot. I’m not leaving until they’ve reached the gate.”

“If he’s an idiot, he will not have told Clapa to come fetch you with me. Please, Finan. Don’t make this harder on any of us.” He grasped Finan’s shoulder and spoke with such intensity that he had to turn to look at him. “I know how you’re feeling. And I know how he must be feeling. I don’t fully understand it myself, but I know enough to know that this is important to them. 

Your presence will not help Sihtric. And Lady Gisela has offered to stay with you there.”

He looked back at the morbid procession and he found that he dreaded its arrival. That rope around Sihtric’s neck was shackles around Finan’s feet. The unsteady ground scratching at Sihtric’s bare feet was water eating away at Finan’s rotten ones. And suddenly, the man on the horse was Sverri with a whip flying from his hands, licking away at Finan’s back all the way at Coccham’s ramparts. He shuddered and shook his head.

“Finan, I know you’re angry, but Sihtric will not thank you for this. Go. Stay with Lady Gisela. For now.”

And heavier footsteps approached and Finan knew it was Clapa without looking. He looked back at Sihtric and silently promised that he would see him once no one was around. He had to make sure that Sihtric knew he was not alone. That not all of them were fine by what was happening. He felt betrayed by Uhtred and it left a sour taste in his mouth.

He turned and walked on his own all the way back to the longhouse.

Lady Gisela was there. He wanted to apologize for yelling at her three days ago, but he couldn’t find it in himself to do it. She did not object to the whole arrangement, and he did not understand her reasoning. She was there at Coccham, with uhtred, because of Sihtric. She once relied on him and his loyalty to Uhtred for the latter to save her, and he did not fail her. And this was how she rewarded him?

When he entered, she approached him slowly. He was shaking with rage and she seemed to understand that. She took him in her embrace and he felt drained all at once. “Why?”

“It is the way.” she replied, just as helpless. And he heard Uhtred in her voice.

“This cannot be right.”

“It’s not. But it doesn’t change what needs to be done. And you need to be there when it’s all over, Finan. For both of them.”

And he couldn’t look her in the face. He looked at the ceiling and stayed silent.

“They will both need you, Finan.” she said, “And you need them. No one is wrong here. What needs to be done will be done, unless you want Coccham’s peace to end. If Lord Bjarna seeks retribution on Coccham, then Uhtred will have to rise up to him. We may not lose and we may not win. And Alfred will hear of it either way. And he’s looking for more reasons to control Uhtred. To control all of us. Uhtred has paid enough, Finan. He lost his brother for Alfred. And he may lose Sihtric for Bjarna. Don’t make him lose you now.”

-

Uhtred was standing with a small band of his men, just outside the gates. He was the only one with his sword drawn.

When the witness reached them, he got down from his horse and greeted them in an all too causal manner.

“Lord Uhtred! Lord Bjarna sends his regards. I am Halfdane, and I am tasked with witnessing the boy’s punishment. Rest assured, I will be gone in three day’s time.” He spoke with an easy smile.

“Halfdane.” Uhtred greeted curtly. “Welcome to Coccham.” He couldn't find it in himself to smile back to the man. It was not his fault and he was there on official business, but he found that he hated the man already.

“Also, Lord Bjarna wishes that you accept his gift, a gesture of goodwill, if you please.” And he pointed at the laden cart.

Uhtred took a quick glance and found that the heap was actually the supplies he had sent Sihtric for in the first place. He has forgotten all about them, in light of recent events, but they were there.

“Lord Bjarna has Coccham’s thanks.”

Halfdane made to move to the cart but Uhtred has mentioned for Clapa to take it and so he stayed standing there.

It would have been awkward if it wasn’t so tense.

Halfdane took it upon himself to assume his role. He was a witness. So he gathered his things from the horse’s saddle and made to untie the rope from the cart when he was interrupted by the Lord’s voice.

“He will be unbound.”

Osferth then moved forward and removed the rope from around Sihtric’s neck and the one tying his hands.

Sihtric did not raise and he did not look up. He only rubbed his raw wrists and reached for the back of his neck.

Uhtred’s voice was unexpectedly sharp when he spoke again.

“Stand tall! This is not how you enter Coccham, boy!”

Sihtric flinched but did as he was told. “Yes, Lord.”

The boy was a mess. Bruises - of various colours- occupied the whole left side of his face. And there was a cut going from his right temple all the way to his split lips. One eye was swollen shut, but the other looked ahead defiantly. His armrings were missing and it infuriated Uhtred just as much as the bruises. But nothing topped the sight of his hand. Presumably, the one that struck Bjarna’s son. The back of his hand was covered with round little burns. Old burns that were not treated. They wouldn’t have dared burn the whole hand, but this was more than enough for Uhtred’s well known mad rage to be displayed on his face.

Sihtric had only seen it once, and that was when his newly freed lord was denied Lady Gisela. No one dared stop him when he killed the Abbot in blind rage. And Sihtric saw Kjartan in him for a moment. And now it seemed to be directed at him.

It was not Lord Uhtred’s fault that Sihtric forgot his place for a moment. He was reckless when he should have been thankful. And he was. Those few months he had with his lord in Coccham were the most peaceful ones he had ever lived. A gift, really. Which was why he stupidly thought he could play the free man he was not. He forgot, that’s all. And sooner or later this would have happened. He hoped that he would still be able to serve under Lord Uhtred after Lord Bjarna was satisfied. It was justly earned, and he was the only one to blame. And now his lord’s rage was directed at him and he could do nothing but shrink and look down, as he approached him.

“I said stand tall!”

He did as he was told and all too soon, his lord was in front of him.

“Do you have something to say to me, boy?”

“No, Lord.” He will not apologise, he will not ask for forgiveness. He has earned the punishment and he will endure it.

Uhtred then spoke in a low voice, he doubted anyone other than him could hear. Halfdane definitely couldn’t.

“Did he deserve it?”

“Lord?” he replied in a hushed voice.

“Bjarna’s son, did he deserve it?” he asked again.

“Yes, Lord. But-” Sihtric tried to make his case. But he got no chance. 

Uhtred, who was now standing right in front of him with his back to Halfdane, only smiled brightly and clapped his shoulder once like he did so many times before.

“Good.” it sounded like he tried to reassure him. 

He then turned around and mentioned for his men to fully open the gates so they may all enter.

He had missed Coccham. Be he did not want the entirety of its people to see him like this. And he still had however long they agreed upon to make up for his mistake. No matter his Lord’s approval, Lord Bjarna still needed to be satisfied. He hated that he had to put Lord Uhtred in this situation in the first place, but he will not complain.

He stood tall and entered Coccham, surrounded by his Lord and his men. No matter what the coming days will bring, he was not among strangers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why is this chapter so long! D:
> 
> Feedback is appreciated.


	3. Chapter Three

Uhtred and Halfdane were watching the men unload the cart. It did not take a lot of time for everything to be sent where it was supposed to be. Only one pile remained, the gear the men were to take on their hunting trip after Sihtric’s return. Obviously, Sihtric will not be able to go. He will be in no condition to hunt or to guard the men. And it raised a question. Why were the supplies here?

“You will have to ask your boy, Lord.” Came Halfdane’s reply. “Not my place to tell.”

“ So, you don’t speak for Bjarna?” Uhtred asked. Something was amiss. Bjarna would not just send the supplies with a witness. It had to be a messanger.

“Oh, I do speak for Bjarna. Ask your boy. He was told so by Bjarna himself, as reassurance. There is a lot we need to discuss, Lord.” He said with an easy smile. And there was nothing behind the smile. No scheming, no malice. He was a strange man. Uhtred knew there had to be more than just witnessing Sihtric’s punishment.

“You’re welcome at my table. Tonight.” Uhtred said in lieu of a dismissal and left to seek Sihtric.

===

After their arrival, Sihtric was led to the stables. The irony was not lost on him. And he refused to be anything but ironic towards the whole thing- He spent more time in the stables of Dunholm than he had anywhere else within the fort. It was known, the stables for the bastard Sihtric and the kennels for the whore Thyra- Because if it was not irony, then it was cruelty. And he knew for a fact that his lord was not cruel.he knew cruelty by the hands of Kjartan. And Coccham was young. There were no dungeons yet, nor were there steel cages to hang from the wall and hold those who were to be punished or humiliated for all to see.

So when he was led there, he did not complain. When he was led to the furthest stall, he did not complain. And when his hands were again tied together, this time in front of him, thankfully, he did not complain. He had enough rope length to stand and pace, but he could not reach the stall’s entry. Nor did he try to.

But if he was to complain, even though it was hard to choose which body part demanded more attention, he would complain about the back of his right hand. Thankfully, the burns were small in size, but they were deep. And some of them did not look to be healing well, and some of them had blisters forming close together. They needed attention. But it was his own doing, so he couldn’t even ask for anything.

Footsteps approached and he found that he was too tired to stand to greet whoever entered. He spent so long walking awkwardly behind that cart with his back hunched that he wouldn’t mind never standing up again. And wasn’t that ironic. He was forced to look at that blasted cart for their whole journey, just to mock him. He shouldn’t have struck Bjarna’s idiot son. None of this was worth it.

  
  


It turned out to be Uhtred. And strangely, he still did not find the will to stand and greet him properly. 

“Lord.” again, he will not apologize. Not yet.

“Sihtric.” and he did not mind him staying on the ground. He sat near him and placed a jug of water and a large piece of bread within his reach and sat back against the wall.

He looked at the water and then looked back at Uhtred in askance. He nodded silently and Sihtric made to grasp the jug with his left hand. It was full and heavy and his hands were tied together so close, so it strained on his right one as well. His burns throbbed and his hand shook. He dropped the jug again, and only a small amount of the water spilled. He did not get to raise it that high.

“Maybe later.” he joked as he leaned his back against the wall again.

Uhtred only stood and walked towards the entry of the stable and came back with a small cup. He filled it with water from the jug and silently gave it Sihtric. It was easier this time and he drank it all in one go. They did this two more times and Sihtric felt better for it.

“Thank you, Lord.” he said while he wiped his chin with his tied hands as they both sat back.

“Why did Bjarna send the supplies with Halfdane?” he asked in a calm voice.

“I-” he began. Uhtred waited patiently and Sihtric did not want to tell him. Wasn’t it enough that they were sent? “I asked?” he replied with one of his smiles.

“You asked?” again, patiently.

Sihtric only nodded in return, he did not wish to elaborate. But he will have to, if pressed.

“And in return?”

“My hand.”

Uhtred only breathed heavier and stayed silent. He stood up and paced within the stall. Sihtric did not dare say anything and waited until his lord calmed.

“Why?” he asked and he was daring him. His expression told him that any answer he will give will be the wrong answer.

“They were needed, Lord. At least I did not fail in that. Whatever needed to be done.The whole town should not pay for my mistake. We needed the supplies. We need to hunt. And if we do not survive the winter, it will be my fault.” he said steadily. “But, they will say it was yours, as the Ealdorman. And I can’t let you take that blame when it is my actions that lead to this.” 

“And your hand? Is it worth it?” he dared him.

“Ask me again after the winter.”

Uhtred stood and Sihtric stood with him this time and looked down.

“Your punishment starts tomorrow.”

Sihtric did not raise his head. “Yes, Lord.”

“I am proud of you.”

“And I am proud to serve you, Lord.”

He headed for the exit and as he reached the stall’s doorway, he stopped and looked back at the boy. “Does Halfdane speak for Bjarna?”

“Yes, Lord. Lord Bjarna told me himself.”

He only nodded and left.

Sitric lowered himself to the ground again and filled the cup with water from the emptying jug. It was not as heavy as before and it did not strain his burns as much. Only enough water remained in the jug for what he needed. He tried to cut a piece of his clothes from underneath the armor and he barely succeeded. Once he had it in his hand, he maneuvered his tied hands to dip the small piece in the remaining water in the jug, and once it was damp, he placed it on his burns to cover as much as it could. Thankfully, the water was cold. This would be useless in a matter of hours.

===

Finan found himself, again, sitting in the yard behind the small Church-not-a-church. He couldn’t oversee the distribution of the supplies. Nor the preparation for the hunt. He was sick of people telling him that he did not understand. That it was perfectly fine for something like this to happen. 

He was fidgeting with the grass beneath his feet when he heard someone approaching. 

“People are looking for you.” Hild greeted him pleasantly.

“Let them.”

She only approached and sat next to him in the open air.

“He is doing his best.”

“He is doing nothing.”

“Correct. And he learned that the hard way.”

He looked at her and he doubted his eyebrow could raise any higher.

“A few years ago, he would have stormed the hamlet. He would have tried to kill Bjarna. He would not have succeeded, because who succeeds in blind rage? And some of his men would be killed. And then they’d come here. Claim Coocham and her people.” she said with a faraway look. “I’ve known him for a long time, Finan. Trust me, he is doing his best.”

“There has to be something else he could do. Not just take it lying down like that.”

“I was a nun in Winchester when our paths crossed. He saved me. And he had Iseult and Leofric with him. A saxon warrior and a shadow queen. And now a nun” she said with a small smile.

“They’re both dead now, along with Halig.”

And Finan did not want her to continue.

“We tried.” he found himself saying. “I tried.” and if his voice was coarse, she did not comment. She reached her hand and rested it on his knee next to hers.

“You’re not to blame.”

“I am. We are. He needed land. He just needed land.” he found the word flowing freely from his mouth.

“Look at us now, Finan. Look at Uhtred’s circle. Danes and Saxons together. A nun, a Pagan wife, you, a fallen priest. And Sihtric. If Alfred’s court summoned me, will I have any choice but to go? Will Uhtred be welcome to interfere? He knows when to act and when not to act. And right now, he is not sitting idle. He is doing his best to ensure Sihtric’s survival. To protect him from the danger of being claimed by any Dane warlord that hears of it.”

He tried to shake his head and protest and she pressed his knee harder.

“I was there, Finan. When Sihtric held a sword to Halig’s throat. Everyone wanted the boy dead. Including me. But Uhtred would not have any of it. He talked him down. None of us understood the gravity of the oath spoken that day. But Uhtred knew to believe it. Against everybody’s better judgement. And he dared anyone to touch him. He had his protection. I will not pretend to understand. But what I know is that if Uhtred was not a Dane, Sihtric would have died. And now, because Uhtred is a Dane, Sihtric will survive. When a day comes, and should we find ourselves in trouble, you or I, Uhtred will ensure our survival. Because then, he will be a Saxon. And act in a way the Saxon appreciate. Trust in him.”

===

She left him and he only sat there a little while before he reached the yard. If they were looking for him, he may as well make himself available.

Uhtred was the first to find him. He looked tired, Finan noted distractedly.

They stood in front of each other for a moment before Uhtred began.

“You will be at my table tonight.”

“Very generous of you to invite me, Lord.” He said with a little sarcasm, if not as much loathing as he would before.

“This is not an invitation.” Uhtred’s expression was stone. “Halfdane is a guest at my table tonight. And my second will be there. That’s an order.” And with that he left him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is apprecated!
> 
> I am creating a TLK collection that will have this and "Give it Time". It only feels right, since Hild wormed her way into this one as well. She was not in my drafts, and yet she made it here.
> 
> What do you want to see next? Because apparently, this is not a 3-part story anymore.


	4. Chapter Four

Finan found himself sitting at Uhtred’s table, as ordered, with the Lord himself, the Lady Gisela, their baby monk and Halfdane. They were talking of nothing important and he was bored and angry. But he was ordered to be there, and if nothing else, he will earn his living. Uhtred was still his lord, but he was still debating the extent of their now fading kinship. Because what precious little that was left of it was only there because of those years they were forced to rely upon each other in the midst of the unforgiving sea.

Halfdane’s voice occasionally broke through the stupor Finan was lost in with his ale. And so did Lord Uhtred’s, but so far, it was as mundane a conversation as to be expected. Only after the food was gone and the ale was halfway gone did the conversation turn to the real reason of Halfdane’s presence.

They talked about Coccham and Lord Bjarna’s settlement. And how Uhtred was the nearest Ealdorman to the settlement and how Bjarna did not wish to be involved with the Ealdorman’s saxon king and sponsor. Coccham will take care of the settlement for Alfred and Bjarna will take care of Coccham and provide a sum of his trading profit, for protection and independence. Bjarna did not want trouble, but he wanted peace. Not because he was afraid of Alfred, but because he wished to settle. He was not there for war. But Alfred’s cautious streak always assumed animosity. If he had Uhtred’s sponsorship, then Alfred would be satisfied. And he will help Coccham in return. Because as the current situation highlighted, Coccham was young. The trading route did not pass near it, but rather near Bjarna’s settlement. And Bjarna was there longer. 

Uhtred now understood why Halfdane insisted he confirm with Sihtric that he spoke for Bjarna. They spoke more, to iron out the details, and an agreement was imminent. Uhtred will have to speak with Osferth, Gisela and Hild, but he was agreeable to the concept. The attending men drank a toast to peace and prosperity when Halfdane seemed to sober up.

“My father spoke of you once, Lord. A long time ago.”

“Oh?” Uhtred replied, distracted.

“He was one of Guthrum’s men.” The man added simply and Uhtred seemed to sober up himself at the mention of the name. “In East Anglia.” added Halfdane. “When you and your woman took Storri and demanded an audience with Lord Ubba.”

Uhtred was curious now. And alert.

“And what did he say?” He dared the other Dane.

“He talked about Earl Ragnar’s Saxon slave and the uprising in the north that nearly cost Ubba everything.” He spoke with confidence and Finan was lost for a moment. He didn’t know what the man was talking about. The ale was all but gone, but he was alert. This he needed to hear. 

Memories came to him unbidden.

*

Of a fire and warmth and shaking and unfamiliar people on unfamiliar land. Of a one eyed man calling for an unfamiliar name. Uhtred Ragnarson. And another Ragnarson, Ragnar, saving them.

“Are you his brother? You look nothing alike.” he tried to understand. The other man only laughed and changed the subject.

And he was asked himself if he was the man’s brother. With such ease and acceptance that it hurt, after having gone a long time without either. 

“We are bonded, yes.”

And he remembers looking at the other man, who was not himself. Who has lost a big part of himself to the unforgiving sea. And searching for approval. Affirmation from Uhtred-not-Osbert.

Because this was strange land for him. And he was all he had. But if he said no, then that was it. He had no one. The other man was looking but not seeing. He was lost and he looked lost, but he did not look away from whatever he was staring at. The other man doubted he was seeing the fire. But the man only turned his head slightly towards his companions and nodded the faintest nod. And that was enough for the Irishman to finally be able to take a breath. He had a place. He belonged.

*

Finan did not know Uhtred was a slave before Sverri. And they called him Ragnarson. This was news to him and it was the key to everything he did not understand. He drank up every word he heard and understood more with every new information.

“He said that there was no way you would have killed your master. Slaughter the whole family like that. But Guthrum did not believe him, nor did Ubba believe you.”

Uhtred only listened and his hand found it’s way to the scar next to his eye. The one given to him on the day he met a father and lost a father.

“Ragnar the Fearless was a father to me. They were family.” he replied in a voice gone and buried in memories.

“They said you accused Danes of killing him.”

“Kjartan. And his one eyed son. Sven. I was not at the house that day and they burned my whole family alive.” He spoke with loathing and his voice carried venom with it.

“And yet, you have his boy.”

“Kjartan was no father to Sihtric.”

“And yet the boy lives in your service. In your household.”

“Sihtric is no son to Kjartan.” he challanged.

“His blood runs through the boy’s veins. If it were another Dane, the boy would have been killed on sight. Revenge is revenge. But you are a man of honour.”

Uhtred did not reply. 

“And the boy honoured you. Honoured your name. Honoured your service.”

Still, Uhtred did not reply. And Finan found himself looking at the other man in a new light.

“We already established that I speak for Lord Bjarna.”

Uhtred nodded.

“Since we are almost at an agreement, I will only be observing the punishment for two days. Lord Bjarna will be satisfied by two days, but of course, it is up to you to decide should it take longer than that.” he added calmly.

“Then two days it is.” Added Uhtred calmly. Finan did not dare add anything. He will not jeopardize the reprieve granted to the young Dane in the stables.

“Also, you may want those back” Halfdane added as he took a set of two familiar arm rings and set them on the table between him and the others.

“You took them from him?” Uhtred asked with a voice laced with barely restrained anger.

“He offered them, but they were not needed.” Halfdane replied easily.

Uhtred made no move and Finan took them gently and placed them on his own arms. He will keep them for the Dane. Uhtred did not object.

“And you may send someone to tend to the boy.” Halfdane added and Uhtred looked at Osferth. He was about to send him to the stables when Finan silently stood up and headed towards the kitchen. He gathered the needed supplies that were waiting for him, probably by Lady Gisela. She must have made the arrangements after Sihtric’s arrival. They were neatly stacked in a small basket and he took hold of it and stood there awkwardly. He looked to Uhtred and the other man only nodded silently before Finan headed out and walked in the Stables’ direction.

Halfdane’s voice reached Uhtred and brought his attention back to him.

“If I may speak freely?”

“Of course.”

“Thegn or Ealdorman, you are a Dane. your men are Danes and your wife is a Dane.”

“Not all of them.” Replied Uhtred. He’s been having this conversation a lot lately.

“Exactly. They need to learn our way if you wish for them to exist together. The angry Irishman could have made things worse. Bjarna doesn’t want any trouble, but the law is the law. He was only doing his part. Do yours. Or leave the Danes to the Danes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is appreciated!  
> I know this chapter is on the short side, but it's 3 am. so it was either that or 2 more days because the weekend is over and RL is waiting for me in the morning.  
> Let me know what you think and what you want to see next.


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is getting out of hand, I know. Some stop me xD

Finan left the longhouse silently. He didn’t want to give Uhtred a chance to change his mind. He knew that Osferth would be a better fit to care for Sihtric, but this he had to do. And hopefully, he had all the supplies he would need. 

He crossed the yard to the stables where he was told the boy was, and he may have grabbed an apple or two on his way. He knew that Uhtred would never let someone starve, but he still wanted to make sure that it won’t happen. Three days ago, he thought Uhtred would never hold a slave, and yet here they were. He did not want to dwell on it further. He’s been angry for too long and he did not want Sihtric to think it was directed at him.

He reached the stable and it was drowned in darkness except for the flickering light coming from the end of the hallway. He walked there with surprisingly steady steps, if not a bit too slow. He heard shuffling coming from the last stall before he reached it. The basket in his hand felt heavier with each step and he moved it to be carried by his left hand and finally reached the stall.

The moment Sihtric was in Finan’s view, he stood quickly and he looked suspicious to Finan. His hands were tied together in front of him and he looked to be shuffling something and hiding it beneath his belt. Finan chose not to comment, for now.

He stood straight and when he noticed that it was Finan and not Uhtred, he looked at the entryway expectantly. He waited a moment and when he realised that no one else was coming, his attention shifted to Finan.

“What are you doing here? You should not be here.” He said urgently.

If it was any other day, Finan would reply with something along the lines of “Well, it’s nice to see you too.”. Because that’s who Finan was. But it’s not another day.

This is Sihtric in front of him. With a burned hand and a bruised face and a swollen eye and a cut lip. Finan did not get to see those injuries upon Sihtric’s arrival because Uhtred had ordered his absence. And now here Sihtric was. Worried about Finan’s presence instead of having someone tending to his wounds. Or even tending to them himself. Confined in the stables like a thief waiting for judgement. How was this fair?

“This is not fair.” he found himself saying. Because what else could he say? He needed the Dane to understand that he did not condone this. He never will. 

“It’s not unjust.” was the Dane’s reply with a little shrug and a sad smile, and wasn’t that messed up? Will Uhtred have said that Guthred’s reaction to his own fear was not unjust? That Halig’s brutal death was not unjust, because he tried to escape? It did not sit well with Finan, but this was not why he was there. He was there to help him.

“Finan, you can’t be here.” Sihtric repeated, with the same urgency as before.

“Relax, Sihtric. They sent me.” Finan explained as he laid the basket down on the pile of straws near Sihtric. Sihtric watched him set up quietly and did not move.

Finan gestured for Sihtric to sit opposite to the flames so he could see properly and he noticed that Sihtric could barely reach the place with the rope being tied to the other end of the stall. He said nothing, and started on his task quietly.

He took notice of his hand and decided to leave it till the end. He’d like to say that he knew what he was doing, but in all honesty, he did not have the faintest idea. His upbringing did not leave much in the way of learning those skills, and what he learned lately, he learned by experience. Because there were no more servants to tend for him. No more stewards. No more nothing. Just the mismatched band of brothers.

He was working on cleaning the long cut on Sihtric’s face when the silence got to be too much for him. Only their breaths and the crackling of the flame could be heard. He had to say something.

“What did they do to you?” He asked with a detached voice.

Sihtric did not reply immediately and Finan waited patiently. He continued on his task and forgot all about his question when Sihtric answered. His voice was barely above a whisper, but it was steady.

“They made me fight.”

“That’s not too bad, is it?” He found himself saying in return, with a little bit of hope. “You gave as much as you took?” He joked. Because if Sihtric looked like that, then what did the others look like?

Sihtric looked down with his one good eye and again, Finan found himself waiting for an answer. And he dreaded it. Because why would Sihtric not want to answer.

“It was not even.” He finally answered.

“Not even?” Did he really want the boy to elaborate? Morbid curiosity. That was all it was at this point. He did not know when he stopped what he was doing, but his hands were currently fiddling with the piece of cloth he was holding.

“They were more than one at once.” He answered without raising his eye from his tied hands. “More than once. And I did not have use of my right hand. Or a shield.” And Finan could see it. Rope burns on his right wrist, they were showing underneath the rope that was already there and Finan immediately dropped the piece of cloth he was holding. It took a while, but he untied Sihtric’s hands quietly and neither said anything.

Sihtric’s hand was a mess. The small round burns and the rope burns made him unable to even move his hand without wincing. Finan reached into the basket and took the apple he acquired earlier. He gave it to Sihtric who took it with his left hand and started eating it, now that his hands were not tied together.

“Thank you.” He said once his mouth was not full, and the sad thing was that he really sounded grateful. For an apple. Finan only grunted in response and shifted slightly so he could resume his work.

“What will be done with me?” Sihtrict asked once he was done with the apple. He was fiddling with the stem and not looking at the other man.

“I don’t know. Uhtred certainly hasn’t told me. We hadn’t had a decent conversation for three days now.” He answered absentmindedly.

“Why?” Sihtric sounded worried and curious.

“You have to ask?” Finan asked incredulously. And Sihtric did not look like he understood at first. It took a moment or two, and Sihtric only nodded his understanding silently and shifted his attention to the stem in his hand.

Finan was done with everything else, and only Sihtric’s hand remained. Finan was a bit lost when it came to sihtric’s hand. It must have shown because Sihtrec moved his hand for the first time and reached into the basket and silently showed Finan what to do. Finan was embarrassed, but he was the one who insisted on doing this. He cleaned the wounds on his hand and was applying the paste Sihtric indicated on his hand when he started talking.

He did not know what came over him but he found himself speaking quickly and urgently “I can have the horses ready right now. We could run.”

Sihtric only looked at him sadly “You can, maybe. I never will.” He answered honestly, and with no malice.

Finan remembered when he was a ship slave, how they all resisted in any small way they can. How they thought of escaping every chance they got. How they knew that if there ever was a chance of ending it, they would take it no matter the result. And here Sihtric was, not even thinking about it. Not even wanting to run. How was he fully accepting of this?

He remembered first meeting him, when Uhtred returned with him in tow. He knew that Sihtric was in Uhtred’s service long before he met him, but no one was surprised when he was ranked above the young Dane. And he remembered how Uhtred always sent Sihtric first on any task they took on. How he was always the first one sent to scout. The first one to be used as bait. And Sihtric never complained. He was always ready to drop whatever he was doing on Uhtred’s call. Always eager to complete any task given to him. And if he had nothing to do, he’d offer his help to the other men. And he’d do whatever was required. From tending to the weapons to watering the horses, he even helped some of the men with building the small huts and houses of Coccham when they first settled there. Finan recalled seeing him with the locals doing odd tasks at any time and no one was refused when asking his help.

“Why?” Finan wanted to understand because there was no way someone will put himself through this willingly.

“Because Lord Uhtred is kind.” Sihtric’s answer only added to Finan’s frustration

“You call this kindness?” Finan challenged.

“I’ve known cruelty, Finan.” He replied tiredly. “Kjartan the Cruel they called him. And he did not disappoint. Besides, pain I can take. I’ll heal. I’ve been through worse.” He stayed quiet for a moment. “And much worse.” He finished. “An uneven fight is not the worst punishment to be had. Not the first time someone used me for entertainment. And I know that Lord Uhtred will never shame me as Kjartan or his men had.”

“Why do you have this much faith in him? You don’t even know what he’ll do to you!” Finan tried to talk sense into him.

“Can you say that he’s cruel?” Sihtric asked. “Look at us, Finan. We’re strays. All of us. And he took us all in. Free or not, I am Kjartan’s son. By all rights, he saved my life. It was in his hands and he spared it. He did not have to. Free or not, I owe him. My life and my sword. And he never asked me to do something that will put me in a danger he can’t guarantee my safety from. And he never asked me for something that will dishonour me. He is giving me battles.” Sihtric stayed quiet for a moment and again, Finan did not interject. “I am his and I am glad he turned out to be kind. I will not repay him by running. Halfdane is here for a reason, I will not prove him right and shame Lord Uhtred like that.” he said with resolve. “And I am the reason all of this is happening in the first place.

“Why did you do it?” Finan wanted to know, and no one bothered to ask before now. They all seemed to focus on the fact that he laid hands on a free man. Why he did it did not matter to any of them. But it mattered to Finan. Right or wrong should not depend on who they were. Sihtric was not wrong simply because he was a slave who laid hands on a free man. 

“I’m an idiot, that’s all.” Finan could easily tell that Sihtric was angry.

“No, you’re not. I’ve seen you deal with things in a way I never would have thought of. You always find a way to do what was asked of you no matter how impossible. Why did you do it?” Finan was persistent and he would not stop before he knew why. No one else will ask.

Sihtric seemed to be thinking about what he would say for a while before he finally started talking in a quiet and somber voice. “There was an alehouse whore there.” he started and Finan did not interrupt.

Sihtric was still fiddling with the stem in his hand and he seemed to be lost in thought. “I did not want to get involved at first, but she told him no. He had his men with him and they were all drunk, and he did not seem to hear her. It was not much, but she did not welcome their attentions. I tried to get him away from her, but he only seemed to want her more. All I could think about was Ealhswith. And how this could be happening to her and I just acted.” he looked at Finan after he was done. “See? An idiot. That’s all.”

“You still haven’t told Uhtred about Ealhswith yet, have you?” Understanding dawned on Finan.

Sihtric shook his head and reached his hands to his belt and took out whatever he tried to hide there when Finan first entered. It was a small round bead with a little carving. Finan remembered it. After every time they visited Winchester, Sihtric would don a new bead in his braids. Finan used to tease him whenever his collection grew. And Sihtric will smile in return and go find flowers to gift her in return.

“I always wondered why you were so reluctant.” Finan was beginning to understand. “You really do need his permission, not just his blessings, right?”

Sihtric nodded silently.

“He won’t say no.” he tried to reassure him.

“But he can.” Sihtric sounded distant. “And if he does, I-” he did not continue.

“What?” Finan asked.

“If he does, then I’ve lost her. And I just can’t face that.”

“Let me talk to him, then. When this is all over.”

Sihtric did not respond and they sat in silence until Finan was done. 

Finan made to take off the arm rings and give them to Sihtric before leaving, but Sitric only refused.

He looked at Finan in question and Finan answered begrudgingly “Halfdane said they were not needed.”

“I can’t take them. Not yet.”

“Then I’ll hold on to them for you.” Finan reassured.

Sihtric only nodded and extended the hand holding the bead to the other man.

“Perhaps you can hold onto this as well? It fell during the fighting.”

Finan only nodded and took it silently. He will keep it safe for him. He made to stand when Sihtric gathered the end of the rope lying by their feet and offered it silently to the Irishman, who took his time making sure that the rope was not rubbing against any of the burns on his hands and that the wrapping will not fall.

Tomorrow, the punishment will begin and neither man knew what they will face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is appreciated!  
> I'm afraid to ask what you want to see next :D


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bring tissues?

Finan lost track of how long he spent in the stables with Sihtric, so he was mildly surprised when he noticed that the whole of Coccham was asleep when he left. Except for the night shift guards on the ramparts and by the gates, there was no soul to be seen on his way across the yard.

He meant to return the basket in his hand back to the longhouse when he decided that he better leave it by the back door, so as not to disturb anyone. He rounded the building and a small thumping noise caught his attention. It was muted and steadily rhythmatic. And it echoed in the dead of night. He thought it came from the edge of the woods not too far and he decided to go check it. Curiosity led him and he forgot all about the basket and that he still carried it.

He started heading to where the voice originated from and before he was fully across the tree line, he saw movement. It was Osferth, awake and somber, he might have been standing vigil for the night. The voice from across the treeline did not stop, and Osferth did not even flinch with each echoing thud.

“Osferth.” he greeted the other man, who had not seen him approach.

Osferth only turned to see who it was, gave a solemn nod, and turned back. He stood straight, with his arms crossed in front of him and a hand by his chin.

Finan was tired of being angry, so he gave way to his curiosity for a change. And he was getting increasingly curious. What was Osferth doing there and why was he looking this worried.

“What are you doing awake so late?” he asked and peered towards the sky to see the stars beginning to fade and a little bit of orange taking over the vast dark expanse. “Early. So early I mean.” He added absentmindedly. “And what is that noise?”

“Lord Uhtred.” was Osferth's only reply.

“Is he why you’re awake or is he making that noise?” Finan noted that he really needed to leave it and go to sleep. It’s been a few nights now that he hadn’t slept as soundly as he’d like. What with the nightmares and his childish protest that made him sleep in the open yard for the past three nights. He was close to rambling.

“Both.” Osferth replied without looking away from the trees in front of him.

“What?” Finan urged the monk to continue.

“How’s Sihtric?”

Finan did not reply and pointedly looked at the trees.Tomorrow. Tomorrow he’d be angry. For now he was just tired.

“Lord Uhtred’s in there. He’s been there since Hafdane left the longhouse and he hadn’t stopped.” he finally supplied.

“Did something happen after I’d left?” Curiosity was nothing if not persistent. Why can’t he be just tired, and nothing else?

Osferth told him all about Halfdane and his warning. Was it a warning? He told him that since Halfdane left, Uhtred had not said a single word to anyone. He stayed seated at the table until everybody left and only Gisela and Osferth remained. And even then he did not say a word when Gisela prompted him to talk to her or when she jokingly complained about Halfdane’s appetite and Bjarna’s offer of a treaty.

And then he silently stood up, took hold of an axe that was mounted on the wall and left. Osferth followed him and when they reached the treeline, Uhtred only stood there long enough to gesture for Osferth to not follow, and then he was swallowed by the trees. Osferth stayed where he was and waited for his lord to return.

Finan only listened and did not comment until Osferth was done. He looked worried but he did not know what to do. He wanted to reassure him, but he wasn’t so sure himself. He passed by him on his way towards the noise and clapped him on the shoulder. And if he protested that no one was welcome there, Finan only grunted in response and walked tiredly towards the noise.

He found him easily. He had his axe in hand and his face was stone. Angry and lost in thought and unseeing. He was engaged in a never ending cycle. He’d raise the axe, strike the poor tree with a grunt, remove the axe from where it had embedded itself and raise it again.

It had been days after Gisela had noted the dying tall tree and told Uhtred that they should cut it down. They were always in need of more firewood and the tree was already dying. He always told her that he’d look into it or send someone but he always seemed to forget. She reminded him more than once and he’d always smile sheepishly and tell her that he’d take care of it. The last time was right before Sihtric was sent for the supplies.

Uhtred did not seem to notice Finan and Finan approached the other man silently. He stayed there and watched and neither said anything to the other. As large as the tree was, it was stubborn. It did not wish to fall and it only made Uhtred try harder. Finan was still angry, but he could not bring himself to leave. It felt intimate and he felt like he was not supposed to be there, but the other man did not tell him to leave. And finan made himself known. He deliberately stood in the other man’s line of sight.

Uhtred was losing to the tree and Finan wished to save him the indignity. He did not raise his arms as high as he should, he did not strike as forcefully as he should and again Finan found himself lost in memories. He tried to shake them away and he started talking.

“Osferth told me about Halfdane’s kind advice.” He finally settled on. He was glad he was not there to hear the man say it for himself - leave the Danes to the Danes-. Who did he think he was, Threatening Uhtred like that? Uhtred did his best to do his part, and that is why they were in this situation in the first place. Had he not been a Dane, he would have stormed the settlement and consequences be damned. Or he would have sent Sihtric away without Halfdane’s knowledge. Had it been Finan in his place, this is what he would have done. Which is why he was angry in the first place.

Uhtred did not reply at first. And the axe’s dull thumps were all they could hear.

“They’re not wrong.” Uhtred finally acknowledged the Irishman’s presense. And his voice was detached. Lost. Thump!

“They?” he prodded.

“Halfdane.” thump. Grunt. “Bjarna”. Thump. Grunt. “Alfred.” thump. Grunt.

Alfred’s words were as clear in Finan's ears as when he heard them during the King’s first visit to Coccham. They were why he visited in the first place.

“We do not cross over into Daneland. We do not cross over into Danelaw. In mind, nor body, nor spirit.” They were a threat and a warning.

It was a few more minutes of -thump - grunt - thump - grunt- before Finan could no longer take it.

Suddenly, they were not just behind the treeline in Coccham, but on a desolate beach in Iceland. And Finan moved to stand behind Uhtred and phantoms of other men shackled together, ankle to ankle, were behind him. He shifted his attention to how the other man carried his axe, waiting for the moment he was no longer able to raise his arm. Waiting for the moment he was almost losing the battle with his own frail body and hoping that the one behind him will do the same to him when it is his turn. Because there were only so few of them and the trees were many. And the sooner they all tired, the sooner it would be their turn again and the small cycle their life was morphed into would repeat again. Uhtred always held until he had no strength left in him. And Finan always strived to do the same. It was kindness in a world of cruelty and it was the last thing they clung to. It separated them from the boars they slept next to at night. It reminded them that they were human.

So Finan continued to stand there, behind Uhtred, until he noticed the telltale signs that he had known like the back of his hand such a long time ago. The shaking hands. The weaker grunts and weaker strikes. The heaving breaths that grew louder and shallower before the next strike. 

And he did what he had always done. He neared the other man, tapped him on the shoulder and took the axe as it fell from his hands in relief. And Uhtred seemed to be as lost as Finan. He did not stay far as the other man got ready. He huddled on the floor next to him with his leg extended in his direction, as if the chains were still there. They may have been. Wasn’t he the one who said they were bonded? The basket by Finan’s feet caught his eye with the single apple sitting atop of it. He silently reached for it and threw it to the other man who caught it in the air and started biting into it.

Finan raised his hands high and started without even thinking about it. How could his body remember after such a long time? He continued what the other man started and the air was filled again with the -thump. Grunt. Thump. Grunt.- that echoed.

He forgot about the other man next to him until Uhtred broke the silence.

“You’re not wrong.”

“I know” thump. Grunt.

Another stretch of silence.

“I need your anger.” Uhtred finally settled on. “There’s too much at stake. Too much to lose. And I can’t get angry. I’ve lost too much to anger.” He forgot all about the half eaten apple in his hand. “I need your anger, Finan.”

Thump. Grunt. Thump. Grunt.

“You have it, Osbert.” And it's been so long since he used that name, but they were alone and he couldn't bring himself to call him Uhtred just then.

The tree was finally close to falling and there were only two of them. So they left it where it stood and Uhtred told him he’d send a group of men to finish the job and ensure it did not kill anyone on impact.

Finan was thankful he still had that stupid basket with him, because apparently, Uhtred had been attacking the tree for far too long and the inside of his hands were a mess. And finan’s were starting to look the same. They both tended to their ever calloused hands and wrapped them silently.

Finan really wanted to sleep, but the sun was fully up by now and the day had already begun.

“It’s today.” He did not need to clarify what he was talking about. Sihtric’s punishment was looming ever closer.

“It is.” Uhtred replied quietly.

“Have you decided?” Finan did not want to know.

“There were a dozen men in the alehouse to witness what Sihtric did.” Uhtred’s voice grew more resigned by each word he spoke. “A dozen strikes today and a dozen strikes tomorrow.”

Finan’s back was open and on fire. “You’ll have him whipped?”

“I’ll do it myself.” Was Uhtred’s resolute reply. And he got his wish. Gone was the tiredness. Gone was the curiosity. Anger. He did not reply.

“It’s dicipline, not torture. I will not humiliate him. He’s been through enough of that at Dunholm. And Kjartan certainly was not the man to choose it as punishment. He always chose humiliation first. I don’t know much about his past, but that I know.” Uhtred’s voice reached Finan through the haze of anger and resentment he found himself drowned in. “I won’t break the skin. I’m not Hakka, Finan. A dozen welts over a dozen welts.” 

“Hypocrite. You didn’t need to ask for my anger. You have it. All of it.”

“Then you’d be glad for this.” And Uhtred’s voice grew with resolve. “After Halfdane’s departure, I ask that you do the same to me.” he stood up. “This is my fault as much as Sihtric’s.”

Finan did not get to answer. Did not get to gather his wits for a reply. Uhtred left after declaring his intentions and Finan was left there, looking at the half fallen tree.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry.  
> I feel like a stalker, just following Finan around Coccham like that.  
> As always, feedback is appreciated.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First things first, I wand to say that I never would have expected the overwhelming feedback I received for chapter six! Thank you all for your wonderful words xo
> 
> like i said, it was my favorite chapter to write, and i was afraid to post it. it felt special and personal and I'm glad you felt the same.
> 
> This little project is very dear to me and I'm glad I'm sharing it with others who appreciate it.
> 
> Quick update: This fic idea started as a 3 chapter thing: before, during and after. It had a mind of its own and turned into this monster. A study of relationships, honor and pride. We're done with the before and during part, and only the aftermath remains.
> 
> I'm saying this because there's a week long holiday starting next weekend, and I'm doing my best to finish before then. I promise I won't rush it, but i may stop updating for a while if i'm not done by then.
> 
> I am NOT abandoning this, don't worry.
> 
> Happy holidays to all who celebrate it xoxo

Uhtred remembers when his situation was not that much different than Sihtric’s. He was younger than him, too young for it to be as serious as it is for the boy now, but he remembers his petulance and Earl Ragnar’s anger. He now knows that it was not malice on Ragnar’s part, rather than fear for him. He wanted to ensure that he would never put himself in a situation like this again, for fear of the consequences. Because he has already taken a liking to the young Saxon slave that had wormed his way into all their hearts. He helped Ravn throughout the day, every day. And he made young Ragnar stand up to him from time to time in front of his own father. And Thyra was fond of him, and Brida. So he did not want him to grow to be reckless and make them all go through losing him. He was not surprised when he heard Young Ragnar tell him that they did not teach slaves how to fight, only to have him interrupt him later and ask for permission to give the boy a weapon and to teach him.

But the situation was not exactly similar. Sven was a free boy, yes. But his father was Earl Ragnar’s man. And that did not spare him the punishment.

So for Uhtred’s actions against Sven, he was beaten and starved.

“You wish to be sold, boy?”

“I wish to eat.” Timid and defiant and confused all at once

“Speak up!” Because he wanted him to be a man enough to face his own actions and their consequences

“I wish to eat!” 

“You wish to eat, hmm? Well I say you starve!” And the wicker basket in front of him and Brida was kicked by a large foot and he was grabbed by large hands and slapped. And if not for Thyra’s intervention, he did not know what could have happened. But she intervened, and his Lord’s ire was redirected at the son of his Master of Ships. A free boy, the son of a free man. But a man in his service nonetheless.

He did not fully understand the gravity of the situation. But he remembers his confusion at Kjartan, begging. “He is a boy. He will serve on your ship one day. He will honor you. He’s at an age, Lord. Your saxon slave cut him, Lord” And when it was to no avail, he called for his son and made him apologize. Urged him to be more clear. To sound more sincere. Because it was his Lord’s daughter he dishonored.

Uhtred remembers Earl Ragnar’s master of ships just standing there and watching when begging turned out to be futile as he took his son’s eye in front of him. How he just stood there, not even rushing to his son’s aid, as Earl Ragnar pronounced his punishment., they were banished. As of that moment, they had no home. And Uhtreed remembers feeling that it was unfair. That it was a bit much when it came to the offence. He had already taken his eye. And he lost the service of a seasoned warrior along the way.

In time, he came to realize. That is the way. That is the way of the Danes. They were a rigid community. Rank meant everything. And honour meant everything. If you do not honour those you serve, how can they honor your service. It was Earl Ragnar’s duty to defend his honor. His duty to ensure that those he calls his will do the same. Will honor him in return.

Brida was quicker than him, she understood and adapted long before he did. And by the time he did, he was bought from Ubba. Earl Ragnar paid more to keep the boy than what his own uncle was willing to pay to have him killed in the end. Uhtred Ragnarson. 

He now understood where Ragnar the Fearless’ anger came from. It was more frustration than anger but he was too young to know the difference at the time. He appreciated the man now. Appreciated that he was doing his duty. Because this was the Dane way. It was their way of life. And if that fell, then they all fell. 

And here he was, following in Ragnar the Fearless’ footsteps, knowing that the boy did not deserve what was about to happen, but hoping that it would be enough to give him the protection he needed. Enough to give him what he needed to guard himself and understand the gravity of his actions, now and in the future. Because what if there were more than a dozen men that night? What if Bjarna did not reduce the duration of the punishment? What if Bjarna was not satisfied by three days in the first place? Or a simple, if humiliating, beating? He needed the boy to be more careful. Just long enough for Uhtred to be sure that it will not happen again before releasing him. Because he can’t just buy his freedom. This was not how it works.

===

The time came way too soon for Sihtric. He only slept for a few hours, but he was already awake when they came for him. He was not surprised that he was able to fall asleep. He knew the routine by now. Has lived it a hundred times in his short years. He didn’t know the details of it in advance, as always. But he remembers every time he was taken to his doom. He’d be paraded in front of all to see, to see how much of a failure he was. How much of a disappointment he was. To the man who sired him, to his dead mother, and to the whole of Dunholm. And bitterness will fill him long enough for him to remember that it was futile and acceptance would take its place. Cold and detached and quiet.

He wonders if the bitterness will ever go away. He gained nothing from it, except the self loathing that crept and ate away at him from within when it was all over and he’d be nursing his own wounds, or his broken pride, longing for a tender touch and for someone to tell him that it was not right. Not fair. Not his fault that he was who he was. That he was born to Kjartan the Cruel and Ellflead the Saxon Slave.

And last night, that was Finan. And he did not know how he felt about that. Because as much as he wanted it, he was ashamed that Finan saw him in this situation. He admired the older man and did not wish for this to change how he thought of him. He wanted to be regarded as the warrior he strives to be. Who can fight side by side with the Irishman and stand on even footing with him in battle. 

He was as ready as he could ever be when the men came for him. And he was glad it was not the men he came to call brothers in his own mind. Not Finan. Not Osferth. Not his Lord. Not even Clapa. He knew them, of course. But they were not ones he had talked with for longer than strictly necessary. They silently entered the stables and he stood on numb feet. They did not untie him. Instead, they told him to lose his leather armor and they led him by the rope around his hands and it chafed against his rope burns and jostled his burned hand, even with the wrapping Finan administered the night before. He only grunted and followed. He adjusted his pace so they wouldn’t be pulling him by the rope and went where they lead.

It was the yard. He’d hoped it’d be the longhouse, but what was more eyes anyway. He swallowed his pride one last time and went where they led him. He knew that it was the yard and not the privacy of the hall, only because Halfdane was there. It was to be as public as it gets, whatever it was. Because it was not one of his lord’s men he offended. And he absentmindedly wondered why he was so disappointed. Would it matter?

He was moved to stand between two wooden pillars and the men that had charge of him untied his hands and were in the process of tying his hands to the pillars on either side. He did not struggle and did not protest, but they couldn't have known about the scars on his left hand. He flinched at the pain, but extended his arm nonetheless.

They made quick work of it and he was left there, with his arms extended on both sides. It must have been an hour or so, before movement caught his eye. He looked to the side and saw them there. Standing as a group, separated from the locals who gathered behind his back. He could hear their murmurs, but the group of men on his side caught his attention. It was Lord Uhtred, Halfdane and Finan. Osferth and Clapa were standing behind them , near the longhouse, where he knew Lady Gisela was there.

Lord Uhtred’s anger was not as present as Sihtric had expected. Instead, he couldn’t read his expression. He stood silently, looking somewhere that was pointedly not Sihtric. Next to him was Finan, and as much as Lord Uhtred’s anger was absent, Finan’s made itself known. It was there, in his stoic stance, in the distance between him and Lord Uhtred, in his glare, in his crossed arms and pursed lips.

Sihtric knew that he was given time to reflect on his misdeed, but all it managed to do was make his regret eat away at him. Because he knew that this was not how Lord Uhtred wished for Coccham to be. And here he was, ruining it for him. Incurring a Thegn’s wrath and putting him in a situation in which he had to choose between what he wanted and what he had to do.

===

Finan had to admire the Danes, if not necessarily agree with their methods. They were nothing if not resolute. Had it been a Christian court, there’d be tears and begging and last minute forgiveness and a sum paid to the church and a reduced punishment. Mercy. This felt nothing like that. Everybody went about their day as normal, and no one mentioned what was about to happen that day. And when it was time, Sihtric was not dragged there like he saw so many men being dragged before, to be punished in front of all to see. He walked tall and he did not apologise. Did not grovel. Did not ask for mercy. Did not say a word.

He remembers being with Danes before. How he did not know that that was their way. How he used to beg at first. How he thought they cared about him living long enough to be of use to them and to pull at the oar. Abd how he was proved wrong on numerous occasions, when men died and fell around him over time, and tossed overboard, only to have others fill their places at the first shore they reached.

Sverri was not his first master, he’d been a slave for far too long before he came to be Sveri’s. He knew what to expect by then and he was not surprised that the man who looked like a dane and was brought with another saxon did not beg. He took the punishments they dished out on him quietly and he still pulled. He only begged for the saxon’s sake and he must have known how futile it would be, but he begged nonetheless. He never begged for himself. 

Finan did not understand it at first. But he found himself in the other man's shoes without even realising what he was doing. Begging a one eyed Dane for his friend. “He’s too weak.” He kept repeating and he was punched for it. And he absentmindedly noted that it had been years since he begged for himself.

And Sihtric did not beg either. Like he did at first, or like the men being punished in courts and churches. 

Finan stood with the rest of the household guards, to the side between where sihtric was placed and where Uhtred would be. They were joined by Halfdane and he did not look upon the boy in glee like Finan came to expect. They all looked grim and so did the Dane. He was there for a purpose and that was it. To witness the boy’s punishment and to ensure it was carried out.

Finan wondered if that made the Danes more civilized or more barbaric.

===

The locals of Coccham were human, after all. So a small group of them was gathered in the open yard. They were curious. The last time someone was punished by Lord Uhtred, it was a thief who was hanged. They knew there was no trial. But they did not feel like it was needed. He was a thief, thrice guilty and he was seen stealing. 

This was different. The thief stole from them. From the people of Coccham, who stood witness to his punishment.. The boy, on the other hand, was one of them. Of coccham. And his offence was not to them. But rather a stranger. They did not know what would happen, so they gathered in the open yard and the Lord did not object.

===

Uhtred moved towards where Sihtric was tied. He stood in front of him and Sihtric only stood tall and lowered his head.

He repeated himself. “Do you have something to say, boy?”

“No, Lord.” Sihtric would still not apologise. He’d endure and earn the right to apologise. He did not want Lord Uhtred to think that he’d apologise just to get away without punishment. That his apology was not sincere, but rather an attempt at getting away. But he was sincere in his regret. And when he apologises, he would be sincere as well. Just not now.

“Your punishment will go on for two days.” he started. Normally, he’d not be told what is planned. He’d be dragged and punished for as long as they saw fit, and then they’d throw him in the stables and give barely enough time to come to grips with what was done to him and lick his wounds and broken pride before they demand that he carry out his duties like nothing happened.

He did not answer. Just blinked and nodded silently.

“You will be whipped. By me. A dozen a day.” And what did it say of him that he was relieved? He can take this. He will not be haunted by this. He’ll heal from this. He did not mind this. Because it was a punishment he had not had to endure since he was a little boy. When his mother was alive and he did not know the humiliation and shame he came to expect with each failure.

“Thank you, Lord.” And he meant it . He looked at Lord Uhtred’s face with an open one, and his scars and bruises shone in the harsh sunlight.

But uhtred did not reply. How do you reply to someone thanking you that you were about to whip them? He only nodded curtly and left.

Finan stood closest to them, and he could hear them. He did not know what to think of what he heard. 

Uhtred stood behind the boy and Finan could see the boy tense. He stood straight and wrapped what little length of rope he could gather in his fists, so that it supported him as he grabbed on it. Not just hanged from it.

All too soon, Uhtred started, and Finan found himself counting in silence. He started from twelve.

True to his word, Uhtred did not break the skin. But by the time finan reached eight, the boy’s shirt was frayed. By the time he reached six, the welts were visible, red and angry and raised. Unfortunately, by the time he reached four, two of the welts crossed and the abused skin broke where they met each other. Small droplets of blood gathered, and still, the boy did not scream. Did not even flinch or grunt. Did not sag where he stood. He was as tall as ever, with eyes staring straight ahead with resolve.

The same could not be told about the locals that gathered. They flinched with each crack of the whip. And by the time finan reached six, they started to move. Some looked down, some looked away and some left the yard altogether.

===

A man stood there, watching the timid shy boy who helped him plant his garden for a full day in the sun be whipped. He liked the boy’s kind smile and always cheerful attitude. And he could not watch this unfold in front of him. He silently left.

===

An old woman was there. She looked at the boy who always found time to help her carry her baskets when she returned from the marketplace to her home on the other side of the town. She liked the stories he told her on their long walks and she could no longer see this happen to him. She turned away and looked at where her house was located and thought that she’d have to walk alone today.

===

A young mother was among the crowd. She was there because her son wanted to play with the other kids in the yard and she saw the boy who always found time to tell her son off for picking fights with others twice his size Who always made sure her son knew how to hold a knife properly so as not to injure himself in a fight. And her son was with her now and she could not let him see this. She took him and left as quickly as her legs would carry her.

===

Coccham’s smith was there. He watched the boy who was seen most of the time sitting in his workshop, tending to his own old and worn weapons and refusing the smith’s help when he offered newer ones. But the boy knew how to take care of his steel. It was well preserved and the smith always admired it. From his sword to the seax he had sheathed at his back. And he could not watch this. He moved in the direction of his workshop and decided that the small piece currently sitting by the forge will be for him.

===

By the time Finan reached 1, there was more blood on the young Dane’s back, but Uhtred was true to his words. It only originated from 3 small places across the boy’s back, and not the frayed and torn skin finan had come to expect and dread.

It was over quickly and Uhtred mentioned for the men to untie him and he still stood tall. His face betrayed no emotion and he did not say anything as he was led back to the stables by the same men who brought him.

And they stood guard by the doors and let no one enter except for someone to tend to him, on Uhtred’s orders. So finan was not allowed to enter, but at least someone saw to him. And for the following twenty four hours, Finan did not feel anything. Just numb.

The day felt like it was repeating itself, only this time, there were no locals in the yard. They all steered clear from the yard, and Halfdane was not pleased by that. He did not say it outright, he had no right to object, but Finan could tell. And nobody told the people of Coccham that they were not allowed to be there. They chose.

===

Again Lord Uhtred asked his question and again Sihtric answered the same. Again, Finan counted from twelve to one and it was over as quickly as the day before. As soon as the last strike fell, the whip in Uhtred’s hand fell to the ground. Like it burned his hand. They were still silent.

  
  


This time, sihtric was left in the yard for an hour, with the same men standing guard. It must be part of his punishment. Finan stood where he was until he heard Uhtred approaching again. He reached where the kid was strung and undid the bindings himself. No one said a word to the other for a while and when Sihtric was standing on his own and when the guards were gone, the boy broke the silence.

“I’m sorry, Lord.”

“Sihtric.” Uhtred warned and Finan did not know why there was an edge to his voice. Did not know how to interpret it.

“ I am.” And he sounded sincere and it broke Finan’s heart.

“Don’t.” He warned again

“I never wanted to put you in this situation. I swore to serve you and to honour you and I failed.” he sounded earnest.

“ You did not, Sihtric.” He answered tiredly. Gone was the edge. Regret was there, but neither mentioned it.

“Thank you for not-” he cut himself off, shifted where he stood and started again. “Thank you for not choosing anything else, Lord.” And he couldn’t look at the other man as he said this.

“I’m sorry, Sihtric.” was Uhtred’s clipped reply and he looked at the boy with an open face and left..

On his way to the longhouse he gave a pointed look to Finan that was honestly not needed. He will stay with the boy, no order needed, specially not from Uhtred.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, feedback is appreciated. It keeps me going tbh.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little quick thing, because I swear this thing is writing itself.
> 
> It's 3am, I don't even know. 
> 
> I'm a bit behind on the comments, but I'll reply to them all. I appreciate every single one! <3

As soon as the whole ordeal was over, they left. The hunting party, led by Uhtred, went in one way, and Halfdane went the other way. It was a pressing matter and the week-long delay did not help. They needed to hunt before the winds blew any harder. They needed all the help they could get and Sihtric’s presence would hinder rather than help. As quiet as he was, he was in no condition to go. It still hung in the air. Whatever happened was not -just- whatever happened. It was layers upon layers of tradition and respect and atonement and striving to be worthy of what you get and being able to demand what you deserve.

As much as Finan did not understand at first, and took it as face value, he knew enough to know that to them, it was not just that. It was Sihtric doing what he must so that he could put the whole thing behind him. So that no one would mention it again.would hold it over his head. There. The whole incident over and done with. Because it did happen, and he paid for it, and it won’t happen again.

Finan knew that he would also hinder rather than help. He knew rage and anger could be quiet, but this was not that. This was huffing and glaring and shouting, and a hunting party - a delayed one at that- was no place for that. And he also remembers Uhtred’s request. so , no. He would be of no help. He chose to stay at Coccham, and all the men Coccham could spare were with the Lord Uhtred and the rest of his men.

He did not mean to stay close to Sihtric for the whole duration of the other men’s absence, but strangely, it was where he found himself most of the time. But it still hung over Sihtric. It was evident in his demeanor. He still stood tall, but he was quiet. Quieter than usual, which was unnerving to those who did not know him to begin with. It was not the Sihtric Finan knew, but rather the Sihtric Hild remembers. In his first days in Uhtred’s service. Quiet and watching and seeing more than others could. And always blending in the shadows. And always there when needed. Even if you did not know it at the time, but whenever needed, he’d just show there like he had always been. Ready to do whatever before one even made the conscious decision to call for him or ask of his whereabouts. 

Hild told Finan that it was like that for a while, before he grew in the space Uhtred gave him. He did not trust him at first and he always kept watch on him. Always kept him at an arm's length and never told him anything. But he gave him more freedom over time, and Sihtrc always grew into the freedoms given to him seamlessly, you’d think he was always there. Always doing those tasks. Always at Uhtred’s side, always in the shadows.

Sihtric was sitting on the floor by the river bank and silently watching it. Finan doubted he was seeing it but said no word. He approached the kid, making as much noise as he could so as not to startle him, but he vaguely noted that Sihtric was never startled by his surroundings. Must be a result of his upbringing, but it was something he admired about him nonetheless.

“The scouts returned.” he said without greeting. “They'll be back any day now.”

Sihtric protested at first that they went without him. But given what had just happened, and Lord Uhtred’s clipped refusal, he stayed. He understood why he was not there, and he felt ashamed. He was why they were late. He could not bring himself to argue, but he still sulked.

He did not give a reply, and Finan did not expect one. He went to sit next to Sihtric and he just adjusted himself so that the log could take Finan next to him and said nothing.

Finan did not expect anything, but he was still disappointed. He did what he always did when they were alone. He took the armrings he had been wearing for days now and silently offered them to Sihtric. And as always, the boy just looked at him, lowered his eyes to the offered rings, and stayed silent. Just looking at them. It took longer than usual, and it lingered heavy in the air. Finan was optimistic this time. It usually took less time than this. And when he raised his hand just a bit, Finan’s smile showed. But he lowered them again so fast and just shook his head, as always, and turned his attention to the river once more.

Finan remembered the bead he kept for him and silently took it from his pouch and offered it to Sihtric. And he actually smiled when Sihtric took it. It took just as long as the armrings, but this time he took it. Finan expected him to just braid it in his hair, next to the other ones., but he just took the amulet off from around his neck, untied the leather cord and looped the bead next to Thor’s Hammer and wore it again.

“What, not gonna braid it into that bird’s nest of yours?” he joked halfheartedly. He did not really expect a reply, but he got one.

“In Winchester.”

“I know for a fact that you can braid your own hair. You just ask Uhtred to do it because it’s easier but I’ve seen you do it.” He decided that maybe ignoring it is best for now.

“She’ll braid it in for me.” He replied and Finan was truly happy for it. He decided to not think about uhtred or their eminent return or his stupid request for now.

“And the armrings?” He knew he could lose what progress he gained, but he was curious.

“Not yet.” he replied resolutely.

“Why?”

“I don’t feel like I deserve them, not right now.” Still looking at the river.

“You always do, but I’ll keep hold of them for you just a little longer.”

  
  


No one said anything after that. Sihtric just nodded to Finan’s words and they both sat there watching the flowing stream.

Uhtred’s request rang in Finan’s ears, and he ignored it.

“I ask that you do the same to me. It was my fault as much as Sihtric’s.” 

  
  


They both heard footsteps approaching, and only Finan turned to look. It was Hild, with her smile and her kind eyes. She greeted them both and had a small mundane conversation with Finan about nothing.

Finan decided to leave them alone for a bit and retreated.

Hild stayed with Sihtric for a long while, and Finan couldn’t bring himself to leave the riverbank. He stood guard a small ways away.

They talked of everything and nothing, and bit by bit, Sihtric was talking with her. 

She told him that the Smith was asking about him and he made to stand.,

“He was just asking, he did not need you. He wanted to ask about you, that is all.” she said. “Not the only one too, others did, but you’re not easy to find when you don’t want to be found.” she said with a knowing smile.

He did not want to be at Coccham. He should have been with the men. He felt like an invalid. He was a scout, and he did not sleep that much on tasks like this, he’d be on guard and his back was not that much of a problem anyway. Not the frayed and open thing he was expecting. It would not have been that difficult to suffer a few hours on a bedroll by the fire with the other men when he was not on guard duty. But they left so soon and he did not get to gather himself before they were already gone.

Hild stayed for a while and they talked a bit longer, but it was time for her to leave.

“Thank you, Warrior.” he said with a smirk and she was relieved to see it. And to hear it. It was a stupid move on her part, but when they first met and he was tied to the back of a wagon and forced to move from camp to camp with them, she ignored all his calls and pleas before he called her that. Warrior. She wore his men’s chains and had his men’s sword in her belt at the time.

She gave him a hug, mindful of his back, and left him.

Finan stood watch a while longer until eventually, Sihtric stood and they returned together to the hall.

Any day now, Uhtred will return, and Finan knew the cloud they just managed to extinguish will return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much happens, I know.  
> Feedback is apreciated.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's back!  
> Sorry for the delay, this should have been posted like three days age. A lot has happened and a lot of things needed to be sorted and dealt with IRL.  
> I'm glad I at least have this to turn to in times like these.

The hunting party returned eventually. As soon as they got word that they were nearing, Sihtric gathered himself and went to the longhouse. ‘I should make myself available if i’m needed’ was his excuse to Finan, and Finan found that he wanted to do the exact opposite himself. He did not reply and only left silently to wherever they can’t find him.

But they found him. Sihtric found him, and Finan did not want to think that he left him alone with Uhtred, but that is what the boy wanted. For Uhtred to easily find him should he ever want to.

\--

Sihtric did not know why he was so nervous. The whole thing was over a long time ago. It has been days already. He’d understand his trepidation if he was still at Dunholm. Because that would be the purpose of his punishments. To have them linger and to have the whole of the fortress talking about it for days afterwards. -Did you see what they did to the bastard? Have you seen the bastard limping his way to the stables today? Did you hear the bastard trying to speak after what they did to his throat? Did you hear the bastard’s screams last night? It was hours before he stopped! Oh, look! The bastard is out and about already. He must have healed already after they broke his arm! -it wasn’t healed and he was only absent because the punishment was not over, they never gave him the courtesy of time to heal-.

But this was different. A simple whipping. Over as soon as it started and he was not forced to have his back shown on display for days afterwards for all to see. He was tended to. Before, during and after the punishment. So why was he nervous?

He was standing by the longhouse’s entrance, waiting for the approaching men. They entered Coccham’s gates and dispersed quickly. The horses to the stables, what they managed to hunt -thankfully enough game- was sent to the yard by the longhouse’s backdoor to be dealt with quickly. No one approached the main entrance. Sihtric still stood, shuffling from foot to foot, but Lord Uhtred did not show. Was he injured? Did something happen? He waited where he stood and still, no one approached him. They did not look worried, so Lord Uhtred was probably fine.

  
  


He decided to go help wherever he can until he knew more, and rounded the longhouse. He saw Lord Uhtred’s horse. It was with one of the stable hands. He approached him and asked him about Lord Uhtred, but he only pointed to the other side of the yard. He thanked him and walked to where he directed and thankfully found him. He approached him where he stood with two other men, and he looked to be telling them what is to be done with the dead animals. He noticed that one of the other men was looking somewhere behind him and turned in his place.

-

It was Sihtric. Shame took a deeper hold of his heart and he found that he could not even greet the boy. He silently nodded his greeting instead and started taking off his weapons. He gathered everything and dismissed the other men. It was just him and Sihtric now and he still found himself unable to talk. He busied himself with his weapons.

“Lord Uhtred.” Came the boy’s voice. He sounded worried, and it hurt Uhtred even more. He had nothing to worry about, but still, Uhtred did not speak. He had something to do first. He won’t be able to talk to him before then. He needed to do this first, before anything else.

He gathered the weapons, handed them silently to Sihtric and started walking. He only turned his head to the side, “Fetch Finan.” he called back and continued on walking.

  
  


=

Finan was in the small patch of soil that never managed to grow anything behind the small church. And today, that’s what it was. Let Uhtred say what he wanted, he needed this to be a church today.

And Sihtric found him. Fine. It did not have to be a church.

“What now?” he said. Because the boy looked worried and he did not want that. “Do I have to make myself available as well?” he raised a brow.

“Lord Uhtred told me to fetch you.”

“And it was so urgent, you had to come before storing his weapons there?”

“I- I don’t know.”

“He’s not at the hall?” Why give him his weapons if he was going there eventually?

“He’s behind the treeline by the kitchen door.”

“Shit.” he knew what this was. Too soon. He stood and paced a small circle. “Idiot.”

“Finan?”

“Fine. Yes. Fine.” He talked himself into it. “Fine, I’ll go. I’ll go.” And he left the young Dane there in the Church’s yard holding Uhtred’s weapons.

He found him easily enough. He stood near the fallen tree. They had managed to make it fall safely but had still not transported it yet. 

He had not even taken the time to wash the blood and dirt on his hands. And he had a whip by his feet and Finan did not ask about it.

“It went well?”

“It did.”

“Good.” God, he wanted to be anywhere else. “What did you do to scare Sihtric like that?” he accused instead.

“There’s something that needs to be done.” Uhtred was determined.

  
  


“There really isn’t” Finan tried to argue.

“Yes, there is.”

“It can wait.” he tried again.

“You gave your word!” And Finan was not the only one startled by his loud voice and the anger it carried. Birds flew every which way from the trees around them and his voice still echoed..

“Why?”

“I told you. It’s my fault as much as Sihtric’s.”

“And how is that, Lord?”

Uhtred noticed his tone. It was how he dealt with the Nobles in Winchester. All sarcastic honorifics and sarcastic bows and it hurt Uhtred. Finan once told him that none of those men had his respect, he was only doing this because they were too stupid to function without having everyone bending out of shape to show their -respect-. This was not respect. Respect was honour and trust and faith. He reminded him of Brida in that regard. She was a formidable warrior and leader in her own right and she knew it. But, she once said, men are too stupid to follow a woman. And now Finan was doing the same to him. And he can’t complain. He deserved it and more.

“I sent him alone.” Uhtred justified.

“To prevent trouble. You said it yourself, a Dane would cause less trouble arriving uninvited than a Saxon.”

“I shouldn’t have sent him alone. I should have-” Uhtred started.

“What?” Finan interrupted. “Should have known he’d do this? How could you have! Do you even know why he did it?” Finan challenged with each question.

“His reasons are his own.” was Uhtred’s resigned response. “I’m trying to at least give him that.”

“That’s right.” Finan still carried on. “You do not know. So don’t play the martyr when he’s the only victim here. Your victim.” He accused. and he was not wrong. Sihtric was Uhtred's victim.

Silence stretched and Uhtred did not reply to finan’s accusation. He didn’t need to be told in the first place.

“Do you even want to know why he did it?” Finan goaded when the silence got to be too long. “You’re not even interested in the reason why you had to have him whipped?" and his voice dripped venom.

“I’m sure he was being himself.” Uhtred replied. “I will not have him stand there and explain to me why he was being who he is. It’s not the first time something like this happens, but it’s the first time he was alone. Easy prey. I’m sure he was only being himself and that’s not something he needs to explain. It took a lot of time and a lot of effort for him to finally be comfortable enough and to act on his own like that. It’s just unfortunate that he was alone this time. How many times did we all have to break up fights or pay our way out of a situation like that? You more than anyone. Sihtric was just being himself. Just in the wrong place, that’s all.”

“So there’s a right place and a wrong place for that?” Finan asked incredulously

“When you’re a slave, yes.” It was the first time Uhtred did not dodge around the word, because to him, what he was saying was the simplest of facts. 

“It’s been years now. Why is he still a slave in your service?” 

“He’s not ready.” was Uhtred’s reply and there was a hint of regret there. He sighed and stood straight. “And you have a word to keep.”

“And if I don’t” Finan did not want to be a part of this. Everything meant something different to them. To Uhtred and Sihtric and Halfdane and Bjarna. Let them deal with each other, Finan wanted no part in that.

“I thought you’d be glad. You were so eager to punch me the other day, why the sudden change?”

“I’ve had time.”

“So have I. And it made me realise that I’m the only one at fault here.” And Uhtred was no longer looking at Finan. His eyes were locked on one of the arm rings on Finan’s arm.

“What do you mean he’s not ready?” Finan followed on Uhtred’s earlier answer. He wanted to understand more.

“I can’t release him. Not yet” Uhtred answered the same vague answer.

“Why? What does he need to be ready? Aren’t you his master? Shouldn’t you be able to do whatever you want?”

“This is not how it works. Earl Ragnar the Fearless was my Master by all rights, and he still had to buy me from Ubba. For a significant sum.”

“Ragnar did not buy you from Sverri.” Finan challenged.

“We were born free. Had it been Sihtric who had killed Sverri, and not you, he would have been shot dead where he stood. But you killed him and I never thanked you for that.”

“What does that have to do with anything?” Finan did not care to remember Sverri, or that day he himself was a cropse laughing at another corpse. There was no need for a banshee on that shore, he meant to laugh, and he may have had, but he was wailing as well. for all the years he lost, and the life he lost.

“Sihtric was born a slave. To forever stay a slave. Only reputation can help him. I can only release him as a warrior. And I’m trying, Finan. I really am. All I can do is give him battles. The rest is up to him.” Uhtred sounded defeated. “It will take time.”

So that's why Uhtred always sent him first? To spy and to bait and to scout? Not just to use him, but to help him? gain skill and gain reputation, in the hope that maybe one day it would be enough?

"If I release him as he is now, he will be easily claimed by the next lord he comes across. And no one will dispute him. Because he is not free. To them, he'd be a runaway slave and he'd be dealt with accordingly."

Finan looked at Uhtred and the whip by his feet caught his attention again. He bent down and took hold of it. He looked back at Uhtred who was only nodding silently. He made to move to the nearest tree but Finan only grabbed his arm

“I’m not doing it, Lord.” He handed the whip to Uhtred and left before the other man could get past what he called him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is appreciated!


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember Chapter Six? Yeah, bring tissues.

“You told me I had your anger!” There was an accusatory tone in Uhtred’s voice as it reached Finan. He was barely at the treeline and he stopped where he stood, with his back to Uhtred. “All of your anger!” Uhtred went on, and his voice was loud enough to echo.

And as loud as Uhtred’s voice was, Finan’s was low. Steady.

“Oh, you do, Lord.” He still faced the other way. “Don’t think for one second that this is over. But I will not mock Sihtric like that.”   
  


Uhtred could tell that Finan could still be reasoned with, but he was afraid to push too hard. But if there was no other way, then that is what he will do.

  
  


“This is justice, not mockery.”

“Your justice? Your ruling?” And he was facing him now. “Your own verdict?”

“Isn’t that enough? To get as much as he did?” There was an urgency to Uhtred’s words. He felt like if he can’t convince him now, then he might do something that they will both regret. But he’d do it. Because Sihtric deserved it. He only hoped that Finan had understood from the beginning.

Finan was shaking his head slowly to every word he heard. “I won’t do it.” He repeated resolutely and turned again. He only took one step before Uhtred spoke again.

“In the name of justice or in the name of anger. Just do it.” He sounded desperate. “For Osbert.” The last bit was barely above a whisper, but it reached finan where he stood.

Uhtred knew he heard him. He stood in his place and he could see his shoulders tense. He knew as soon as he said it that he broke something that was not meant to be broken. Invoked something that should have stayed buried. But he had already said it.

It took too long, but in the silence that stretched, Finan turned where he stood. He walked slowly towards uhtred and none of them said a word until finan reached him. His face said it all. He looked betrayed. Uhtred did not dare move or speak. He gave Finan all the time he needed. “How dare you?” A whisper, really. Harsh and jagged. “How dare you bring that ship into this? This is not fair."

And Uhtred did not reply. Whatever Finan decides to do, he will not object. He told him before. He can’t get angry. Wasn’t allowed to. Because he would lose everything. He lost his first wife because he was angry at Alfred and his God. He lost Ragnar because he was angry at the Abbot and his uncle. He lost too much. And each time he lost a bit of himself. This was the only way he knew that would keep him from losing anything else. To use someone else’s anger at him. But he knew he may have gone a bit too far. So he stayed silent, and waited for Finan’s decision. He did not mean to be selfish, but he was protecting what he had the only way he knew how. 

Finan silently took the last step towards him and outstretched his hand. Uhtred did not know at first what he wanted, but he looked down and saw it. He still held the whip in his hand. He nodded to himself and silently placed it in Finan’s hand.

They both stood there. Uhtred looking at Finan and Finan staring at the whip in his hand. Uhtred did not want to be the one who broke the silence, so he took his shirt off, placed it on the falen tree, and turned his back to his friend and rested his hands on the nearest tree. Nothing else to do. It was all in Finan’s hands now. He did not look behind him. He was not sure if he was still even there when his voice startled him.

“Two dozens.” he stated.

And it began.

And just like with Sihtric, Finan counted silently from twelve. He did not want to think about what he was doing. Did not want to think about what has led to this. Did not want to think about how he hated doing this and how he hated that Uhtred asked the way he did. But it’s Uhtred, and he’d do anything for him, and he’s confident in his belief that Uhtred will do anything for him as well. Wasn’t it enough that he knew that there were things he did not understand? Was this his punishment as well? He hated every second of it. And as the numbers grew less with each strike, he felt relieved and ashamed at the same time. Because they were lessened by his blows.

He did not dwell on how the whistle of the whip flying in the air before each strike made him brace, before he remembered that he was the one wielding it. That it was not the ship.

He reached one and lowered his arm to his side.

“That’s a dozen.” He announced. And his panting had nothing to do with his exertion.

Uhtred did not move. He waited a moment before he spoke in a steady voice.

“Go on.”

Finan did not.

“Go on, Finan.”

And he did. In the name of anger, he did. Another dozen. And damn Uhtred for staying silent. Even his flinches were silent. Finan did his best to not break the skin. But like Uhtred, he failed. The new welts crossed the old scars and his back looked like a map. But no matter what, Finan did not go near one scar in particular. It was the only vertical one, and it was located near his left shoulder. He was there for all the scars, and they were all the same. To punish or to prompt. But that one in particular was different. It was deeper than the others and he received one just like it on his right arm. They were for Halig. When they tried to subdue him to spare him more pain than what he already suffered. He remembered how Uhtried jumped and crouched over the Saxon, exposing his own back, and how he could do nothing but stretch his arm to shield them because he was still chained on Uhtred’s other side.

He reached one again and all too soon, he dropped the whip from his hand. He took a couple of staggered steps backwards and sat where he stood.

Uhtred straightened slowly and turned to look at the other man. But he found that he couldn’t even meet his eyes. He sat on the ground as well, and the space between them seemed to grow larger.

“Thank you. I know I asked too much.” Uncharacteristically unsure.

“Shut up.” Quiet and barely restrained. And Uhtred did.

“That was not fair.” Finan’s voice was steady. Too steady, but he had no anger left in him. Was that betrayal he felt? No. Not that either. He knew betrayal, and that was close, but not the same.

“You know I would do anything for you.” He started. “But this is the last time you use me like that. Find your own justice.” And maybe it was not anger, but he felt vindictive, and maybe Uhtred did not deserve what he was about to say, but it does not make it less true. He saw it now. It took him this long but he finally understood. “Protect your men. Do your part, or leave the Danes to the Danes.”

Uhtred still could not meet his eyes. He nodded silently. He deserved this. And Finan was entitled for that, at least. He thought he was done, but he continued.

“Sihtric refused to run away when I offered. You do not deserve him.”

“I know.” 

“The least you can do is to understand what happened.” Finan spoke, with resolve. He will hear it, even if he does not want to.

“There’s this girl. In Winchester. That’s why he did it.”

“I know. I’m not blind. He thinks he’s discrete but you could see it from a mile away.” Again, he felt betrayed. The boy doubted for nothing.

“Then why haven’t you talked with him?” Why did everything have to be this hard?

“It’s the first thing he ever kept from me. And I wanted him to have that. Whether he believes it or not, he’s entitled to his secrets.” Uhtred explained.

“He wants you permission.” Finan was resolved. He will not leave until this was settled. He gave Sihtric a promise. But apparently it was not needed. The boy was worried for nothing.

“He has it. He only needs to ask.”

“He doesn't know that. He’s afraid to ask.”

“And he’s right to. Like I said, he’s not ready, and a marriage will not help. It will only distract. But I won’t refuse him.” Uhtred defended. “I know I ask too much of you, but don’t tell him that I already knew.”

“You don’t deserve him.” Finan repeated.

“Nor do I deserve you.”

Finan stood up and Uhtred started to do the same. He reached his shirt before Finan’s voice stopped him.

“Stop. Stay here. I’ll send someone.” 

Uhtred raised the shirt over his head with difficulty, his back was throbbing and he could feel the blood trickling down his back. But he did not dare complain.

“No need.” he dismissed.

“You will stay. And you will wait.” Finan ordered and Uhtred could do nothing but lower his arms again. 

Finan stood there silently and waited a bit just to make sure that Uhtred will not move before he turned and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! Was this too far? I don't know!
> 
> I'll reply to all the comments, I promise.
> 
> *throws a party for the 1k Hits.* How did that heppen! <3


	11. Chapter Eleven

Uhtred was lost in thought when he heard someone approaching. It was Hild. Ofcourse it was Hild. He did not dwell on who would be sent, but he was thankful it was Hild. Because only Hild has ever seen him like this before. At his lowest. And then lower than that. And she did not judge. Never once. Not even when he offered her protection and then was tempted to approach her once. He remembers seeing her in the small waterfall a long time ago. Before Guthred. She was washing and her back was to him. He remembers how he was looking for her and the unexpected sight of her made him stop in his tracks. He was flustered. She was a nun. He made to leave and he changed his mind and stayed. And when she turned and saw him she did not fear him. Though others would. She only reproached him. Reminded him that she accompanied him because she felt safe at his side. And he respected that. She has seen enough. He promised her his protection. He was ashamed of himself at her reminder 

And when he was lost after ethandun, and all he had was his sword, Hild, and Halig, she helped him again. She reminded him of who he was and that his fate was not to be drunk in Mercia for all days to come.

And years later, he was lost once more. And she helped recover him. Her and Sihtric and his brother and even Alfred, but she helped. She was a warrior by then. And when he was returned, when he was truly at his lowest, broken and lost and not himself, she helped remind him again. She told him he had slept for three days, and he did not mind sleeping for a long time. Longer than it would take to forget everything. She helped him gather the broken pieces of his soul and she helped put him back together. And he was not ashamed to admit his weakness to her. And never once did she judge. She kept his blade sharp, for him, for years, when they were not certain he was ever coming back. She had faith in him. And he renewed his promise of protection. 

And now, here they were again. He was still seated on the ground, his shirt discarded on one side and the whip on the other. She did not look surprised as she looked frustrated. His voice echoed in his head once more “I’m ashamed of what I’ve become” he once told her, in a setting not much different than this. It was not the same, but he was ashamed still.

She approached him, and when only the whip was between them, she retrieved it and hung it in her belt, behind her back, out of sight. He could see that Finan had told her what happened. She had a small bucket of water and clean cloths with her, among other things. She laid everything on the ground before him and sat there.

“I was not told exactly what happened.” she started “But I was told I’d be needed here.” she glanced at the discarded shirt. “And judging from everything here and Finan’s request, I’d say that it was not his idea.”

It’s not that Uhtred wanted to hide anything from her. He could never hide from her. She saw him. All of him and she accepted him. Just like he saw her and accepted her. His warrior nun. But he couldn’t bring himself to talk to her.

All he could think about was Halfdane’s threat and Finan’s warning. “Do your part, or leave the Danes to the Danes.” he knew he had pushed Finan. Tested him. But he was the only one who could do it. Like he said, it was justice. Justice for not protecting his man. Justice for failing him. Justice for weakening Coccham like that. Justice.

“I have failed.” he found himself saying, and he did not shy away from her judgement, because he knew there would be none.

“Lord?” she asked hesitantly when he did not elaborate, and he flinched so hard at the word, she saw it.

And by some miracle, she understood.

“Uhtred?” she tried again. And her voice was soothing. It always was.

“I failed, Hild.” and his voice was close to breaking.

“No you have not.” she said with such conviction, it surprised him. “If this is about Sihtric, then no you have not.”

“Everyone knows it. Even Finan.”

“Finan is not a Dane, Uhtred.” she said. She sat straight and started again. “And this time, you were not Uhtred of Bebbanburg.” She waited until he raised his head and was looking at her. “You were Uhtred Ragnarson, and that is what you needed to be.” She looked him in the eye, and there was a challenge there. “I’ve known you long enough to know the difference between both. To appreciate how much you try and how it takes its toll on you.” she took his hand in hers. “You did not fail.”

“I asked too much of Finan. And when I feared he would refuse, I used him.” he knew she’d understand if he told her everything, but he couldn’t find the words. “I fear I’m close to losing him.”

“If that were true, he would not have sent me.” she said while she stood up and went to sit behind him. She saw his back and again, did not comment. He was forever thankful for her acceptance. “And if that was something you needed, though we all disagree with you there, then no one else could have done it. But it was not needed.” She started by wiping his back.

“It was.” he said. “It was.”

“Then help me understand?” she asked. The same way she asked him a long time ago to teach her Sword-craft. And he remembers laughing and correcting her “Sword skill, it’s called.” and she so easily accepted his correction and repeated her request that he teach her sword skill. And perhaps it was the same. It took a while and she worked in silence before he found his voice again.

“Sihtric did not deserve to be punished.” She was done and he put on his shirt as she rounded him again and sat in front of him. “He did nothing wrong. Finan was right in his anger. But to refuse Bjarna was to end the peace.”

“We all know that. Finan knows that.”

“Had it been someone else, this wouldn’t have happened. I could have sent Clapa.”

“You do realise that you couldn’t have known, right?”

“It shouldn’t matter. Sihtric did not deserve it and I am the only one at fault here. And I need this to never happen again. But I couldn’t do anything about it. And I needed to. And that was the only thing I could do. To ask Finan. Because who I was really angry at was not Sihtric, not Halfdane and not even Bjarna. I caused this to happen. My failure. I was angry at myself. And I needed this to happen. So it wouldn’t happen again.” Ie looked at their hands, and he vaguely noted that he did not remember her reaching out to hold his hand. “So I wouldn’t fail any of my men again.”

“I know it’s not easy, but nobody said it would be. You are building something unique here, Uhtred.” she raised her hand and touched his cheek. He looked at her and she continued. “You are building something just like you. Dane and Saxon. Coccham is in your image. And it is thriving, Lord. Mistakes are bound to happen. Anything different is hard to build. And you are doing right by everyone. Never forget that.”

“You are too good for me, Hild.” he leaned forward and he touched his forehead to hers. “I will always be grateful I have your wisdom.”

“And I will always be here, Lord.” She said in return.

=

It was late when Uhtred left the longhouse and headed for the yard. Thankfully, the two pillars were not visible. They were covered, like always, by a stand for one of the local traders. He did not know what he’d do if they were still standing there, mocking him.

He approached the yard, and all his men were there. Making noise and drinking the last of the day away. He wished he could do the same. But there was still one more person he needed to talk to. Thankfully, he was there. Not as loud as the others, but he never was. And Finan was there as well, as silent as Sihtric. He sat by the end of the table, separated from the other, but his ever watchful gaze caught Uhtred first. He sat straight and followed Uhtred with his eyes as he approached.

Is this what Guthred felt, when he asked to speak with Uhtred when he was sitting with his men? Was he to expect a slap on the face as well? He now understood why Guthred did not react when Uhtred did it. He approached on heavy feet, and he neared Sihtric. As soon as the young dane saw him, he bolted and stood to face him. He looked worried and Uhtred felt drained. He hated to do this, but he told the men to leave. He’d speak with Sihtric alone. And he did not want to drag Sihric somewhere else and worry him even further.

By the time they dispersed, only Sihtric and Finan remained. Finan stood to the side, between Uhtred and Sihtric and Uhtred did not know if he wanted him to leave or not. Thankfully, Sihtric decided for him. And it was his decision. This concerned him and only him.

“Finan.” he only said and Finan turned his attention to him. They shared a look that Uhtred did not fully understand, but Sihtric only nodded silently and Finan left with a muttered “Lord.” thrown in Uhtred’s direction with a small tilt of the head.

Uhtred mentioned for Sihtric to sit and he sat opposite him, with the table between them.

They stayed silent and Sihtric did not speak.

“You did not escape.” Uhtred started. “Finan tells me you had a chance to and you did not take it.”

“I was claimed.” Sihtric replied easily. No regret in his voice.

“How was Bjarna’s treatment?” He asked. And he was surprised at how steady his voice was.

“He was a Lord punishing a slave, Lord. He honored his men.” and Uhtred knew that Sihtric said it as he saw it. Not a jab, but it hurt.

“So, he succeeded where I failed.” 

“Lord?” Concerned.

Uhtred took a long breath and spoke. “I know we never talked about it, and it was never declared like it was now. But I claimed you to Bjarna’s men so that none of them would. I did not get the chance to talk to you first, and I did the only thing that can guarantee your safe return, so that we can decide what happens next.” Uhtred took the armrings he had asked Finan for earlier and put them on the table between them. And there was an extra one there as well. “You are free to seek your freedom somewhere else. You’re free of your oath.”

“Then I swear it again.” Sihtric said all too readily. “I choose to serve you, Lord.”

“You did not choose it, Sihtric.” Uhtred said tiredly. “It was your life for your sword.”

“It was my life AND my sword, lord.” he said with conviction. “It is my life and my sword. Always.”

“You were sent to spy and kill me by Kjartan, and you were caught and spared, what choice did you have?”

“I did not escape then and I did not escape now. I seem to be making that choice a lot. I am not one who is accustomed to making choices freely. But , I swear, that I chose. Over and again. And I chose to stay and wait for you. And by the Gods, I wanted to kill Guthred every day, but I waited for you. I chose that.” He looked down at the table and continued with determination. “What happened is my doing, and mine alone. Let me claim that. Because anything else would be a disservice and a lie. And that is not who I wish to become.” He raised his head and sat straight before he met Uhtred’s eyes and continued.”I will seek my freedom with you. And if I can’t find it, then I am happy to serve you all the same. You gave me that.” He said earnestly.

Uhtred did not reply straight away. He did not expect that from Sihtric. Sihtric only reached for the arm rings and unlike what uhtred expected, he only gathered his own original pair and he silently put them on his own arms.

Uhtred, in turn, reached for the third one and offered it to Sihtric.

“Here.” He said when the boy did not take it. “Consider it a wedding gift. You’ll need it if you are to start your own family.”

“Lord?”

“And I will be raising your stipend.”

“Lord, you’re already giving me more than expected. I-”

“You have my permission, Sihtric.”

“Thank you, Lord. Thank you. I-” he did not know what to say. Couldn’t find the words. “I will name my first son Uhtred!” He declared.

“No you will not. It is an honour I do not deserve.” 

Sihtric still smiled and said nothing. He shook his head.

“And if any child of yours is born while you are in my service, you have my word that they will be born free. They will not share your fate. You have my word.”

“Lord, I do not know what to say, I-” It was more than he could ever ask for. It was something he always feared. He vowed to himself that he would never have children. And that vow was renewed every time he found himself alone and in the dark after a particularly cruel round of punishment. Deserved or not. He vowed to never inflict this on any one else. And if it meant forever being alone, then so be it. But that was before lord Uhtred and before Ealhswith. She was the only woman he ever wanted. He never had time or opportunity for that. Was never free to pursue anything he wanted like that. He gingerly took the third armring and all he could think about was family. And a home. Roots. Lord Uhtred gave him that. And to think that it was one day his task to help spy on him and take his eye.

==

When the whole ordeal was over, and when life was back to normal at Coccham, or as close as it gets to normal in a half dane half saxon estate with an Irishman as the commander of the household guards, Finan thinks about what happens.

He starts to notice things. Small things. How Uhtred treats Sihtric differently from the others. How he absentmindedly cares for him. He’d provide for him without even thinking about it. They’d be overseeing a trader by the river and Uhtred would pick something for Sihtric without making a big deal of it.

When Sihtric’s worn leather armor fell apart, and he sent it with one of the traders going to Winchester to be repaired, Uhtred had already ordered a new one for him and handed it to him without fuss when it arrived a day after Sihtric sent his. And he did not make a big deal out of it. And when they dealt with raiding danes at their border and Uhtred found a better Dane Seax, he gave it to Sihtric to replace his worn one. Small things, Finan noticed. Little things. But not new things. This was always how Uhtred treated Sihtric. But he never noticed. Just like when what happened brought things to Finan’s attention he never noticed but were always there. How Uhtred relied on Sihtric. Always sent him first. He thought he treated him as someone expendable, but he was giving him opportunities and responsibilities. To hone his skills and to gain experience. That was the same. Because he was responsible for him in every sense of the word and he honored that. Honoured his service. Because that is the way. The way of the Danes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End.
> 
> Thank you for all who read this to the end! You made this happen.
> 
> I really enjoyed writing this.
> 
> Let me know what you think.

**Author's Note:**

> feedback is appreciated.


End file.
